DoucheArt

I can understand after having known someone a while with the anticipation building up that some "flirty" pics may be exchanged or even with someone you're into that you haven't seen in some time just to keep things spicy, but to message someone and immediately request that nude photos be swapped is a little bit much.

Jay,

I can promise you that you have nothing under your shirt or in your pants that I haven't seen before in real and in photos many, many, many, many times before. I don't care about seeing it again from someone I have zero attraction to based on a sad ass, no effort dickhole of a message. And no, it certainly wouldn't be funny to find my photos plastered on some bullshit amateur site when you got bored with looking at them and decided to pass along the booty (pun intended). So... go take about 20 more photos of your cock. I'm sure they'll come in handy one day.

love,

j

All I can say is I'm glad I'm not on that site legitimately looking for the love of my life because I'd be gravely disappointed. But, if I ever need a so-called punching bag to relieve some of my frustration, I may just have to give this a shot. --jenniy

I don't even know where to start.  Like... I'm literally speechless.  I guess I should start by telling you that the first message was sent to me at 12:54 and the second was sent at 6:42 IN THE MORNING.  I guess I should start by sharing a little knowledge I've learned since beginning this adventure with Jenniy...

Seriously.  It's become apparent to me that the worst messages I've gotten have come after midnight.  And by worst I mean most explicit as well as offensive to those of us who actually write and speak English.  What the hell does this guy have against punctuation?  I've read this message more times than I care to admit, and part of it is because I read it once, then read it again to decipher it into sentences.

I don't know why he feels it is ok to ask me why I'm really single.  Does anyone know why they're really single?  Is that a legitimate question I am supposed to know the answer to?  How should I answer that... with a string of complaints about my ex and why we broke up?  Should I just pour out my insecurities as to why I think someone wouldn't be interested in me?  I just have no idea exactly how someone is supposed to respond to that.

Then, when I don't respond to him (you know, because I'm sleeping) I get this message "So let me guess your picky rite".  Is that a statement or a question, Kerri?  But here's what I REALLY want to know... what are you really trying to say?

I didn't answer because I was sleeping... like normal people who don't work third shift usually do at 1 a.m.  What does that have to do with me being picky?  Kerri's response, when he didn't get an immediate reply from me, only tells me that he has some issues with perceived rejection (super scary and unhealthy) and that he doesn't have what it takes to impress or be with a woman who is "picky" because a man who does doesn't need to resort to such pathetic tactics to get a woman to respond.  While I'm sure it was intended as some kind of implication that I shouldn't be picky, it mostly just comes off as being a very bold statement that says having a type, having standards, and preferences is a personal insult to him and more than likely because he already knows he can't meet the bar.

Is this supposed to be some sort of insult? It seems like it. I can only assume that this message is a result of

A) my glasses
B) the fact that I mention knowing how to read and enjoy books
C) I write. For fun. And talk about it. Emphatically.
D) My profile doesn't have any $10 words (for a reason), but everything is spelled and punctuated correctly. That means no abbreviated text/Twitter speak.

I might expect this sort of question from 18-22 year olds, but a 44 year old man thinks I'm a nerd because I read, write, and know how to spell?!?

This. This is a big part of what's wrong with our society right  now. When did being vapid become so chic? Not to mention the fact that being a fucking bully and *attempting* to insult someone in a first message is probably douchier than offering to show them your dick.

My response: You say that like it's a bad thing.

--jenniy

I have so many problems with this.

I'm tired of "text speak", for starters.  But, ok, that's fine... I'll give him a chance.  But then... this.  Now listen... it's a tough market out there and I can understand that.  I'm not going to say that not having a job makes someone undateable, but I definitely don't think that being like "Hey, I'm unemployed" on your second message is necessarily the way to go.  I guess I don't consider myself to be defined by my job (because I have a job and not a career) but that being said, I don't talk about it unless I'm asked and I don't ask about it either.  Which leaves plenty of room to talk about other things like hobbies and interests, but instead this guy goes straight for the unemployment.

But let's step around the unemployed fact and just look at the situation... what the fuck am I supposed to say to that?  I'm being left with no way and no content to respond to.  I mean, "Gee...that sucks" feels inadequate but at the same time I don't feel like I'm supposed to be the person to step up and say more like "I'm sorry to hear that" because the truth is... I'M NOT SORRY TO HEAR THAT.  It sucks when ANYONE loses their job, but what am I supposed to do...commiserate with the guy when for all I know he got fired for a damn good reason?

Maybe it was for his conversational skills because even if I wanted to reply to him... he left me with no way to.  What am I going to do... ignore your statement?  Just bypass it and be like "So... what do you like to do for fun?"

Let that be a lesson to you out there, gentlemen.  It might not be WHAT you're saying versus how you're saying it that is preventing you from getting a response.

Assumptions were made with this message. I have tattoos which show in my photos on my profile. Those tattoos have gotten me called a "bad girl," "exotic," "sensual," and even a "freak." People have these ideas, stereotypes if you will, built in their own minds about what kind of person has as many tattoos as I do (and counting). Exotic? I'm from South Georgia. My skin looks like milk, and when I'm in the sun, my freckles connect. How the fuck is that exotic? The rest are simply assumptions based on what kind of person has tattoos according to the messenger.

The same is true with this message. I have no visible piercings in my photos, and truth be told the only thing I have pierced is my ears. The assumption though is that since I have tattoos, I must also have piercings, and now he's curious about just what exactly I might have pierced.

It's not exactly an innocent first thought to have about someone. But, it wasn't just a thought. This guy decided to take it to the next level and go ahead and ask me. He may as well have just asked me what my vagina looks like, if I shave or trim or bleach my asshole, and if the carpet matches the drapes. Because what he really wants to know when it comes down to it is what I look like in my most intimate of areas so he can picture that during whatever fantasy he comes up with as he sits at his keyboard typing one handed.

If knowing what type of tampons I prefer is too intimate for you, TMI perhaps, then asking if my clit is pierced is also too intimate. You need to know one about as much as the other in a first message. --jenniy

Sometimes in life you do stupid things.  I, personally, do really stupid things and this post is evidence of it.

To make a long story short... sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at your mistakes.  That is especially true when you find your Mistake's online dating profile and notice that he lied during your entire relationship about his height (exaggerating) but was honest about it on his dating profile.  And honestly that is just the beginning as I could pick the entire thing apart but for the sake of time and energy I will just say...the whole profile was a piece of shit and full of half-truths.

I Am a single father who loves life. I Am very easy going person who enjoys sitting at home watching a movie over going out drinking. I live to fish and own my own boat. I am looking for someone who likes some of the same things as me so we can do something we both enjoy. I like plays and opera...a couple Ihave seen in person are Rent, Cinderella, and my favorite seen at the Cadillac Palace in Chicago IL. The Phantom of the Opera. If your a Fun woman who would like to hang out and maybe go to a movie hit me up. though I do work a lot and have my daughter every other weekend I will still make tone for fun"

While being a douche and sharing his online dating profile with friends, I made the most rookie move ever and clicked on the link while I was logged into Plenty of Fish in another tab.  Anyone who uses the site knows...once you look at a profile, the user can see that you viewed them.  It took him ten days to notice upon which I got this message.  Which would be a shitty first message from anyone, but it's especially shitty because I'm sure he's thinking I'm interested in him again or I'm "stalking" him.  And quite frankly, being the one doing the stalking, sending the abusive and harassing text messages, doing slow drive-bys in my work vehicle (because I have a job related need to be on the street and in the neighborhood) might be a nice change of pace after having been on the receiving end of such behaviors for months.  But... I would never do that to another person after knowing what it is like to lay in bed and know the vehicle of someone who once sent you a video of himself holding a gun to his head because you wouldn't talk to him is on the street outside your window in the middle of the night.

The moral of the story is... don't make rookie mistakes when making fun of your exes.  And be wary of everyone you meet because a seemingly decent, though incredibly poorly written, profile might be another woman's former nightmare.

He sent me these three messages, all within 45 minutes.  Obviously, I didn't respond to any of them because... um... what the hell dude?  Nothing is creepier than a man who "shouts" "I LOVE YOU!!!" in his first message.  And I would be lying if I said I didn't look for tell-tale evidence (candy wrappers, cigarette butts, marks in the lawn from a fold-up chair or a bottle that suspiciously looked like urine) that someone was watching me all night from the neighboring lawns.

He deleted his account shortly after messaging me.  Gee... I wonder why he thought he was blocked from everyone?

The only guarantee you can give me with a proposition like this is that I'll vomit in my mouth a little if you ever fucking message me again. Seriously, just because I live in a small village that happens to be named Climax does not mean I want to hear every tawdry, cheap, vile come-on that you guys can think of. And trust me...when I say I have heard them ALL I have fucking heard them ALL, ok?

Just so you know, "climax" has MORE THAN ONE MEANING. Google it. I dare you.

--jenniy

I should explain a bit more about this conversation. Typically, I don't post messages from people I exchange even a few messages with, but in this case, I can't say either of us revealed personal information or made a connection, so I do feel that I'm still within my set ethical boundaries on this. The conversation went as follows:

Johnboy: Hey

I didn't respond. I don't usually respond to just a hey especially if I look at the profile, and it says nothing of substance. His said literally next to nothing. If I did respond to every message, I'd do nothing else with any of my time because the longer it shows you online, the more messages you get. The more I respond to small talk, the more I'm going to get. And, I feel like since I made the effort of putting together a very detailed profile, I'd like someone to respond to that...not with a one word greeting, a one-liner about my tattoos, or a question/shitty joke about the town name (Climax...yes, it's really Climax). I state this in my profile.

Two hours later he responds with: I really hate u didn't like me.

Me: What's to like? You said nothing in your message and jack shit in your profile. If you can't be bothered to make an effort, why the fuck should I?

Him: I've got a gf but with that attitude i see y your single...we was looking for someone to play with

30 minutes later after I didn't respond he wrote: But you are smokin ass hot

Now, if you like to have threesomes, more power to you. I personally don't. But here's the thing, his profile says that he is looking for a relationship, that he is single, and that he is "looking for some who share my way ofthinking. .."

That's highly misleading if he and his girlfriend are looking for someone to play with. It's a bold fucking lie. If you want a third wheel to a casual threesome, then that's what you need to say right there in bold print on your profile. You do not need to mislead people stating that you are looking for a relationship and are single when clearly you are not. And, in my opinion at least, it's the girlfriend that needs to be looking for the hook-up not the boyfriend because it's going to take a woman that is down with being naked with another woman, isn't it? Why would a completely heterosexual woman be into this?

All of it is highly suspect and utter bullshit. The lesson here...be honest. Don't be the douche who either lies about being single or lies about having a "gf" who wants someone to "play with" because either way you look at it, lying gets you no where.

His real username was Skizzle.  I figured that must be Snoop Dogg for "Skeezy".  I'm sure it was just a joke, but anyone who is actually trying to meet someone with a headline like that is best to just be avoided, fo' shizzle.

I'm hoping that this is the kind of message that he sends everyone and that it wasn't my pics specifically that turned him on to this little fantasy. I mean, what the fuck kind of compliment does he think this is? I only have headshots posted...There's nothing even slightly risque and certainly nothing that would indicate I would be ready and willing to meet a perfect stranger, never speak to him, fuck him, and us go our separate ways never to speak again. I'm not saying I've never had a one night stand. There's certainly risks involved in doing so. But, nothing good can come from meeting up with a stranger through on online dating site that you've never spoken for an anonymous, wordless fuck. I can get laid any time I fucking want. Seriously. Why would this even be marginally appealing? Part of the turn on for women is mental. We're thinkers. We like the build up, the flirting, and the chase. This is a cheap porn fantasy at best. He's basically saying "hey ur pics look good girl why don't you put up and shut up"

ugh.

I told him to try a glory hole.

--jenniy

Another creepy guy named Mike who fooled me with seemingly normal conversation for about 5 messages.  This really wasn't too bad, it was pretty mild actually.  It was when I kept talking to him that I started to get creeped out.  Mike is into trampling...information which he volunteered out of the blue.  Then he wants to meet up and instead of being 9 hours away like his profile says, he's really only 3 hours away and kept insisting that is what is profile said.  You know... because I can't read or something.  And that is when I stopped talking to him.    I should have stopped right away but...sometimes I like to give people rope and see what they do with it.

Eugene, Eugene, Eugene... I can fully respect the need you feel to have a satisfying sexual relationship with your partner. I really can. It's often a very important aspect to a solid relationship, and I find when I am often hit on by people with partners whose relationships lack that quality. But, is this really the right way to do it? You're on a free dating site. This is the first message you send. And if anyone dares to be interested in this bullshit spiel, are they really going to message you back and say, "well, I would be interested in you, but sorry, I'm not good at what they call the sex?" If you think that's how it's going to work, you're even dumber than I suspect and that's pretty damn hard to beat... --jenniy

First off, Staxx, it's "waste" in this instance not "waist" but I'm willing to overlook the grammar issues. I am not, however, willing to overlook the fact that I don't know you. I don't know if you're a murdering serial rapist. I don't know if you like to punch women in the face during sex. And, I certainly don't know if you're going to pass me some herpes with our little grind session. So, do me a fucking favor and keep your dick in your pants. --jenniy