DoucheArt

This is the first time in my entire life that someone has asked me if I would be their little... wait, what?

The worst part?  He thinks he "blew it" because of autocorrect but not because of the actual message.  Yeah, because the TYPO is what was wrong with what he said to me.  Seriously, Fuckstick?  Seriously?

Honestly, some days you think you've heard it all and it can't get worse.  But then it's like... someone finds a new twist on an old insult and it is enraging all over again, and that is how I feel about Joe and his first message.

The best part was his profile, as he is apparently "educated" and the rest basically writes itself.  This might be the dumbest profile I've ever seen.  Seriously.

Yep, that's all it said.

"Sext?"

In my profile I say, verbatim, "it seems the vast majority of the male population wishes to domesticate me or screw me. One extreme or the other with nothing in the gray area. It's frustrating." So an offer to sext isn't exactly screwing but without anything else to go on, it surely doesn't fall into the gray area I mention. And, really, that's like walking up to a woman in a bar and saying, "Can you show me your tits and then tell me how you would give me head?"

Would that work in real life? Does it actually work on the Internet?

It doesn't work for me, and honestly, I found it a bit disturbing. If someone walked up to me in person and asked if I'd describe how I'd fuck them without so much as introducing themselves, it would be a total violation. Why can't people see that saying the same shit on the Internet is STILL a violation. I'M STILL A FUCKING PERSON NO MATTER THE FACT THAT I'M SITTING IN FRONT OF MY COMPUTER WHILE YOU SIT AT YOURS. Being online doesn't suddenly change the fact that you should observe the same courtesies and respect that you would pay to a person in real life. I have no doubt that this dude has little respect for women as it is, but I highly doubt he would walk up to a woman in a grocery store and say "fuck?" and expect her to smile a knowing smile, grab his hand, and head over to the men's bathroom with him... So, don't pull that shit online. Ugh. --jenniy

Somehow I don't think the "something" he mentions here has anything to do with candy... I'm most definitely sure the offer is only for *his* white cock.

Yes, he went there.

I should clarify that the person who received this message is Latina which makes it doubly offensive (to me anyway). I've received similar messages myself from people outside my race. Personally, I have never turned someone down because of their race or nationality,but what I don't do is date people who make everything about race. If you have to offer someone outside your race your *white* cock then maybe you think it's something a bit more special than it actually is. I've seen plenty of cocks in a rainbow of shades and I can say without a doubt that white skin doesn't make it extra special. I would assume that same sentiment is likely true for women of all races and ethnicities (though it's not my place to say with 100% certainty). In my own personal experience, I've chosen who I've slept with or who I've dated because of *who* they are not what color they are...

So, if this shithead really wants to get vulgar, I can dish that right back by letting him know that once his "cock" is in there, it's going to feel the same no matter what color the fucking thing is. --j

Normally, bad grammar tends to irk me. It's not that it incites rage or ire. It's just a pet peeve. If I had received this message my first thought upon reading the first part is that maybe the guy's not so bad if he warns about his faults/flaws/mistakes ahead of time. I know some very intelligent people who are shit with spelling, so it's something that can be overlooked.

But then...oh god then...

What he should have warned about in the beginning is that he's bad with respecting women and that he prowls dating sites looking for women to bust a nut to since he's watched so much porn he can't even get it up anymore unless he's watching videos of women going to the bathroom who don't know they're being filmed.

What he should have warned about is that he's a fucking douchenozzle with some serious issues. Maybe just maybe if he stopped beating off long enough and took a few basic spelling and grammar lessons, he might actually only have to warn about the perversion. At least he would have that going for him...

--jenniy

This one and many of our submissions comes from World's Worst Feminist. Check out her blog! We love her!

Listen, *you're a fucking idiot if you think that blatantly stating you perceive the girl you're messaging to be fat and proudly proclaiming to be "into fat women" is going to get you anywhere. Perhaps she self-identifies as fat, maybe she has body image issues, maybe she is suffering from a medical disorder that makes her carry weight, maybe you're one of those douchecanoes who thinks a girl is fat if she's above a size 4. I dunno. But neither do you which is the point to all this. So, you're already in douche territory with the first line of the message.

But then to think that just because you say you're "into fat women" gives you the right to then ask this person to sit on your face without so much as a fucking greeting or exchange of pleasantries is the kind of douchebaggery that really infuriates me. Just because you see something you like does not make her obligated to hear out all your filthy fantasies and desires about her. Would you have the balls to actually walk up and say this to some woman you see at a bar? Don't you think that would qualify as harassment and likely get you thrown out of said bar? Keep that shit to yourself unless you have consent. Until then, you're nothing more than a sad little exhibitionist flashing his flaccid wee-wee at whoever he can trick into taking a look.

--jenniy

Between each and every single one of these messages the person who received them let the sender know that she wasn't interested or flattered by his messages at all, but as you can see, that didn't stop him.

This is an aspect of rape culture and even though we have the option to block people online (and have been told that's what we should do instead of making DoucheArt), it shouldn't come to that nor can we block street harassers, sexual assaulters, and rapists.

These messages translate to real life even if it makes you uncomfortable to admit it, even if you've never seen it or experienced it, and even if we can block people like this from sending us more than one message.

There's a problem when, in our culture, no doesn't mean no, not interested doesn't stop the messages, and people feel entitled to detail these sorts of intimate actions without consent. By the time we actually block the messenger, it's already too late. That's like telling us to file a restraining order against a masked person who flashed us in a parking lot. We've already seen (or read) and can't unsee or unread. The person has already gotten off on sending the message in the first place just like the flasher gets off on the act of flashing. And, in the case of the internet, the pervert already has your username. If he chooses (and sometimes they do...it has happened to me), he can make profile after profile so that every time you block him, he can look you up. Even if you change YOUR profile, he'll still be able to find you.

As much as we like to joke around and poke fun at the idiotic things these people say, it's a sign of a deeper problem, a problem that needs to be addressed in a major way. --jenniy

I loved this Instagram submission because I, too, suffer from having large breasts. That fact sort of becomes all that people focus on. I had one boyfriend after another when I was young that honestly only "dated" me to "get a look at those things." In fact, I often refrain from posting full body pics on dating sites because I get comments about my tits from just having my face and a bit of cleavage showing. I can't imagine how bad it would be if people got the full image.

I just want to go on record as saying that I've never gone to a man's profile and messaged him "what dick size?" even though I sometimes think I should just to prove a fucking point. I've never gone and said "nice bulge" to a complete stranger. Or "let me get a look at those balls." I've never sent a guy a message that says "bet you got a nice pair" or "whoa, baby, smother me with those things." I've never called someone a "big-balled monster." But I get those sorts of messages about my boobs fairly often.

I am a person not a set of tits.

I'm on dating site not Porn Hub.

Asking a girl's cup size is pretty fucking rude at any point in dating. She'll tell you if she wants. But, should it really matter? Is that something you need to know? I don't think so. Is a number/letter combination really going to improve or take away from the sight of them at all? Jesus christ, I really don't want to live in a world where this needs to be explained. I'm sitting here typing this out asking myself why this even needs to be said.

How do I feel about domination and submission? You really want to know, Dan? I feel that it's none of your fucking business until we've actually moved beyond first messages and into the realm of actually discussing these things.

Do people on these things even know how to flirt anymore or is this it?

--jenniy

This is so casual. No preface. No gradual progression trying to figure out what the person who received this message really wanted or needed that day. Just boom...want some cum? That was it.

Since doing this (DoucheArt), I have become certain that there are far too many men out there who think women never derive any pleasure from sex and that we are here on Earth as cum receptacles. That's it for us in the minds of these fellows. We don't want or have or need orgasms. It's like we don't enjoy or want the act of sex at all whatsoever which is about as far from the actual fucking truth as it gets. Even when we're offered something that seems like it should be foreplay or for our enjoyment, it's really just because the offer is made by someone based on his own enjoyment of the act. All the "hey let me eat that pussy" messages aren't about our needs; they're about the fact that the man sending the message loves performing cunnilingus. That's all find and good, but sex is a two-way street. It should never be *just* about what one person enjoys. It should never be this one-sided.

People always say that sex means more when you love the person. I don't know if it's about the love as much as it's about the fact that it means two people who respect and care for one another are actually enjoying the moment WITH each other and not just because of each other. There's where the difference lies... When those elements are involved, both partners are as concerned about the enjoyment of each other as they are themselves.

So, you can keep attempting to jizz on our glasses or drown us in your wads all you fucking want to, but you're just going to end up jerking off into a sad little kleenex because all you care about is getting yours and you make that pretty fucking clear. --jenniy

I think the title says it all, but just to make it clear, the last thing a woman wants to picture is the literal image given by the phrasing used in this message. If someone I'd been fucking on a regular basis said this to me, I would mercilessly make fun of that person just to ensure that he or she never, ever felt the need to fuck the shit out of anything again. But, coming from a a complete stranger you really don't know if it's an expression or if that is literally what that person wants to do. Given the quality of messages I receive and that other people receive--that we feature on here--I'm pretty sure this kind of thing is *exactly* what some people are into. --jenniy

I wish I could say that this was some sort of sick joke, but it wasn't. This Instagram submission is probably one of the most vile things I've come across since we've been doing this, and that's saying a lot. Let me clarify something.

A DATING SITE IS NOT PORN HUB.

It's just not. The women on a DATING site aren't there for you to throw your fucking money at and steamroll with all the twisted things you'd like to do with your dick while in their presence.

No one is asking for this. If, and this is a huge if, this girl's profile said that she was *only* looking for casual sex, the sex stuff might be understandable, but at the end of the day, these jerks aren't even giving her a chance to be interested in what they look like naked before she's drowning in their cum. These guys are Don Jon's whacking it off 17 times a day who have no idea what to do with an actual woman. If you notice...the first thing he really offers her after the money is to jerk off on her genitalia... That says a lot.

Read some about pornography and how the actual process involved is nothing like what you see on your computer screen. Actual sex, real sex isn't about offering some stranger $250 on the Internet to jerk off on her or watch her like she's some sort of live porno. Fucking jerks.

--jenniy

First of all, why is it "the" pussy?

In response to the first sentence, the girl who received this asked if the messenger was a gynecologist? How exactly would he "take care" of a vagina? With a speculum and some lab tests?

Also, I'm not impressed by this amateur gyno's understanding of the female sex. Though it's usually a topic of debate with most men telling women that *every* woman can squirt if she learns her body well enough, it's physiologically impossible for all of us. So right off the bat even if I wanted a quick fling with a random stranger who I felt was okay to trust despite rape and murder not to mention STI statistics, I think I'd still pass. I'd rather have someone who understands that the female orgasm has a lot to do with intellectual stimulation and not with porno-style jackhammering. --jenniy

I. Don't. Even. Know.

--jenniy

Let's just start with the obvious on this one or at least the obvious to me. Perhaps it's not really Chinese history that is hard to learn. Perhaps since it's impossible for this guy to correctly construct one sentence, he is having a bit more trouble than the average person. In other words, his lack of intelligence makes this a very poor analogy.

If someone sent me the message, "Hi, beautiful. I'm Brian, and I just wanted you to know that you make me harder than it is to learn Chinese history," I might laugh. I likely wouldn't respond because I don't want to encourage this kind of behavior even in jest, but I would still smirk. If he followed it with someone letting me know it was a joke or letting me know anything else, I probably would respond. It's certainly more creative than the multitudes of dudes wanting to jizz on my glasses. But, upon seeing screenshots of the rest of this conversation between the girl it was sent to and Brian, it was obvious that he really meant what he said. He really wanted her to know that he made his dick hard.

Imagine you're sitting on the bus and a random man walks up to you. I don't care what gender you are or what your sexual orientation is (because the guys who send these messages really don't care about that either when it all comes down to it). Just imagine it. You're on the bus minding your own business, maybe looking around you at all the people off in their own worlds wondering what they're thinking about or what they're on the way to do. A man walks up and sits down beside you. He looks you up and down, winks, and says, "you make my dick hard."

IT'S NOT FUCKING FLATTERING.

It's creepy. There's no way to react well to that because it's just such a violation coming from a complete stranger whose erection may be of no interest to you. But, you're now guaranteed to have to picture his dick getting hard which is what he wanted in the first place. The most personal space of all-your own thoughts--has been violated by this idiot's hard-on, and he knows it.

It's the same on the Internet. Hearing about some guy's hard-on isn't really what most people are looking for in a first message. Don't be that guy. And if you've got to be that guy, spell things correctly.  --jenniy

I have 10 photos on my profile on OKC and one is a bit risque. Not terribly so but just a teaser. Somehow I don't think that's what he was talking about though, do you? I'm pretty sure with his nonchalant pet name and ab-showing profile pic, he was looking to score some pics of my tits and/or show off his dick. In this day of revenge porn where even someone you trust will turn your photos into an amateur porn site, do I really want to run the risk of sending out my various body parts to a random stranger? It's not exactly very rewarding either to do so to say the least. I don't really get much out of seeing a photo of a cock that I really don't care to play with in person not that I would ever get the opportunity to...because let's face it, when someone asks to trade pics instead of actually asking you to hang out, you're not getting anything else. It's a fucking dating site. It's not an amateur porn site. Jesus fucking christ... If you want to show your dick off, go post it on a site that encourages that bullshit. --jenniy

"I expect nothing in return."

That's really the thing that gets me about this one. I mean, sure, this is a pretty douchey message overall, but it's that one line that really pisses me off.

First, this girl has to deal with this message. Second, she has to actually meet up with this guy who is only interested in her because she has what he perceives to be a "beautiful rack." He obviously doesn't see her as a person with labels such as "rack." She's an object. A tit holder. Third, she has to strip down once she does meet this guy and let him latch onto one of her most intimate areas in a way that is likely going to be wholly creepy.

Nothing the fuck in return?

Dude, you're getting ALL THE BENEFITS.

All.

The.

Benefits.

She gets nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zip. This has absolutely nothing to do about her and what she wants.

So that one sentence "I expect nothing in return" is just a slap in the face in an otherwise mundane message, and it makes me want to track this guy down and beat him with a dildo. --jenniy

Finally!!!!

Finally, someone understands what women want.

That's right... what women really want is to see a video of a random stranger jerking off and jizzing all over his hands. There's nothing better. Seriously. That's all we've ever wanted.

Fuck conversation.

Who needs to know your name?

We would never want anything like, for instance, going out to dinner (splitting the bill).

Why bother having our own orgasms or even being touched?

It all boils down to seeing a strange dick flopping around on a poor quality video then gurgling on camera after 2 minutes tops of hand fucking.

It's the most fulfilling interaction one could ever possibly have with another human being.

Or maybe the men that ask these sorts of things need to stop watching so much porn that having a regular interaction with a woman is too much to fucking ask. --jenniy