DoucheArt

I didn't even answer the first by the time the second message came.

"Dam girl what's up with you"

I don't even know how to translate that.  Is he literally asking me what's up?  Is he trying to ask me why I didn't respond to his first message?  I'm confused either way.

But this is the kind of message you get when you take down your profile picture.  You know... no one called me "girl" when I was one, except the little Chinese lady who owned the restaurant we used to go to as a family when I was a kid.  But she called all of us "girl" or "boy" respectively, and while I haven't seen her in years I'm relatively certain she would STILL call me that today in spite of the fact that I'm 28 years old.   She still calls my brother "boy" and he's like 6'2 and she only comes up to the middle of his chest.
 
My point?  The only person who gets to call me "girl" is a Chinese woman in her 60's who used to send me home with styrofoam containers of Chinese food even though we showed up for the buffet.

And learn how to spell "Damn".  It's a fucking four letter word, dumb ass.  Ugh... nothing locks up my ability to communicate with someone who is an idiot AND can't spell.

I have no words for this Reader Submission.  None whatsoever.  "Faceee" cannot be a typo.  I wonder if he thinks that's cute?  Because all I hear in my head is the World's most unsexy  man-squeal.

Maybe instead of something like that, a guy could start with something simple like, "Hi" and maybe tell a girl she's pretty.  If it were me, the only thing of mine that would be meeting this guy's face is my fuckin' fist.

And the best part?  It didn't stop there.  This guy is a frequent offender and you can expect to see more from him soon!

Oh Manny....  what the hell?  If the text speak didn't turn me off, the Tony the Tiger "gr888" did.  You're not coming anywhere near my Frosted Flakes anytime soon.

I have so many problems with this.

I'm tired of "text speak", for starters.  But, ok, that's fine... I'll give him a chance.  But then... this.  Now listen... it's a tough market out there and I can understand that.  I'm not going to say that not having a job makes someone undateable, but I definitely don't think that being like "Hey, I'm unemployed" on your second message is necessarily the way to go.  I guess I don't consider myself to be defined by my job (because I have a job and not a career) but that being said, I don't talk about it unless I'm asked and I don't ask about it either.  Which leaves plenty of room to talk about other things like hobbies and interests, but instead this guy goes straight for the unemployment.

But let's step around the unemployed fact and just look at the situation... what the fuck am I supposed to say to that?  I'm being left with no way and no content to respond to.  I mean, "Gee...that sucks" feels inadequate but at the same time I don't feel like I'm supposed to be the person to step up and say more like "I'm sorry to hear that" because the truth is... I'M NOT SORRY TO HEAR THAT.  It sucks when ANYONE loses their job, but what am I supposed to do...commiserate with the guy when for all I know he got fired for a damn good reason?

Maybe it was for his conversational skills because even if I wanted to reply to him... he left me with no way to.  What am I going to do... ignore your statement?  Just bypass it and be like "So... what do you like to do for fun?"

Let that be a lesson to you out there, gentlemen.  It might not be WHAT you're saying versus how you're saying it that is preventing you from getting a response.

He sent me these three messages, all within 45 minutes.  Obviously, I didn't respond to any of them because... um... what the hell dude?  Nothing is creepier than a man who "shouts" "I LOVE YOU!!!" in his first message.  And I would be lying if I said I didn't look for tell-tale evidence (candy wrappers, cigarette butts, marks in the lawn from a fold-up chair or a bottle that suspiciously looked like urine) that someone was watching me all night from the neighboring lawns.

He deleted his account shortly after messaging me.  Gee... I wonder why he thought he was blocked from everyone?

This was sent in by The Pink Polka Dotted Unicorn.  We adore her.  But she gets the strangest messages.  I have no words for this.  Is that a compliment?  Is that an insult?  I have no idea.  What a fuck stick.

And then Shawn, the good looking guy who quoted "Silence of the Lambs" as his headline in this post from yesterday, sent me this charming first message.  This annoys the fuck out of me.  There.  I said it.  I'm lucky enough that most dating sites don't allow people to send pics in their messages. But on my list of "Irritating First Messages" it would win second place right after THIS QUESTION and let's not even talk about those people who send creepy, close up shots of their genitals.

I don't get it.  I really, really don't.

I didn't respond.  Shawn/Buffalo Bill deleted his profile within 15 minutes.

Hey Person I don't know...send me your number so I can send you some pics!

PASS!!!!  I don't care how pretty you think I am.  I don't want your dick pics!

Short and to the point.  But... I'm not sure what made Calvin think I would respond positively to this.  When I asked if it had worked before and what made him think it would work with me he told me it hadn't but he was hopeful, and then asked if I could meet him.

Um, no.

I ended the conversation by telling him I was going to pass, but good luck and "please use protection".

Yeah.  I'm that bitch who carries condoms in her purse NOT because I'm going to use them, but in the unavoidable event that I encounter someone who should be given one and advised to use it.  Yes, I have done that.  No, I have not been punched in the face yet.

Tony Tastytooth comes back for more.  This is his idea of a First Date posted on his Plenty of Fish profile.  So charming.  So eloquent.  So...Douche.

Apparently, the fact that I looked and wasn't interested hurt his wittle feelings and he felt the need to come back and tell me he's not interested.  And I'm the stalker?  Right.

Remember Tastytooth from this post?  For the record...the stars are put there by Plenty Of Fish so I can only imagine what he actually said.  This is his "About Me".  Fun Fact: He likes spending time with children but claims not to have any.  I'm so creeped out by this profile.  I only wish he would have included a photo.

I stumbled on this post while trying to look up the "Tasty" who is only a little bit shallow from yesterday's post.  This was the headline for his profile.  It only got "better" from there.  It blows my mind how articulate he is.  Stay tuned to see what else he was looking for.

Remember Mike?  From now on, I'm changing his name to Super Sexual Mike.  This is what he wanted to know about me today!  --Hot Ash

After a nice and quiet afternoon, Mike decided to message me again out of the blue...

Really, Mike?  Maybe it isn't the fact that you're super sexual, but your approach.