DoucheArt

My Driver's License should have a color wheel.  In the past 10 years I've been almost every shade of brown and red, and I've even been blonde.  That being said, I have a couple of different photos of myself on my dating profile and they all have a different hair cut or color.  Clearly this guy didn't know what to make of that so he tried to cover all of the bases.

I guess maybe I should give him a little credit, he did try to be inclusive of all my hair colors.  What would have been even better is if he would have tried having a conversation with me.  Maybe we could have done something like he talked about on his profile....

"A good lunch followed by couple drinks and good conversation. Finding out there are plenty of things to talk about due to similar opinion and interests. Also if you don't approve of medicinal marijuana then you are either so brain washed or so stupid that I cant talk to you. Any doctor that prescribes opiate pain medication before exploring if marijuana would work first should have their medical license permanently taken away."

Instead, I get this weird first message.  And did I mention that he kinda looks like a drug user?  I'm down with P.O.T but this guy kind of looked like he might dabble in meth or something.  Maybe I'm just being a judgmental asshole against weird-looking skinny dudes.

I didn't respond for a few days, but then decided that when in doubt, honesty is the best policy and I responded with the most honest answer I could:

This is the first time in my entire life that someone has asked me if I would be their little... wait, what?

The worst part?  He thinks he "blew it" because of autocorrect but not because of the actual message.  Yeah, because the TYPO is what was wrong with what he said to me.  Seriously, Fuckstick?  Seriously?

Honestly, some days you think you've heard it all and it can't get worse.  But then it's like... someone finds a new twist on an old insult and it is enraging all over again, and that is how I feel about Joe and his first message.

The best part was his profile, as he is apparently "educated" and the rest basically writes itself.  This might be the dumbest profile I've ever seen.  Seriously.

This was a submission from one of our faithful readers.  We're going to call her Hot Dee... and I suspect she's going to have a lot of submissions for us in the near future.  Plus... I LOVE how she isn't taking crap from these guys!

I'm honestly still trying to decipher the first message from Pete....  I'm not sure what he is trying to say.  "I have ALL those".... maybe Hot Dee has a list of dating qualifications?  Maybe he means he wants a "lil" of something Hot Dee's got?  I have no idea.

The best part?  He acknowledges that his message was bad, gives a half-assed apology and then comes back "just looking for a piece of ass".  I don't know why looking for a piece of ass means you shouldn't put some effort into it... at the very least use some punctuation, fuckstick.  Why the hell do people think that just because you're looking for a hook up you shouldn't come off as at least reasonably intelligent?

Maybe I'm an asshole, but if you can't put even a little effort into your shitty ass line I'm not going to see what kind of lame ass attempt you put into your bedroom performance.  I get it... being able to form a sentence and "perform" are two different things, but I can't help but think if you can't put a little effort into getting my clothes off, I doubt you're going to put effort into getting ME off and that is all there is to it.

Hot Dee ended the conversation with "Wrong page, but good luck."  I think I'm going to make that my trademark response.

I have no words for this Reader Submission.  None whatsoever.  "Faceee" cannot be a typo.  I wonder if he thinks that's cute?  Because all I hear in my head is the World's most unsexy  man-squeal.

Maybe instead of something like that, a guy could start with something simple like, "Hi" and maybe tell a girl she's pretty.  If it were me, the only thing of mine that would be meeting this guy's face is my fuckin' fist.

And the best part?  It didn't stop there.  This guy is a frequent offender and you can expect to see more from him soon!

I don't even know where to start.  Like... I'm literally speechless.  I guess I should start by telling you that the first message was sent to me at 12:54 and the second was sent at 6:42 IN THE MORNING.  I guess I should start by sharing a little knowledge I've learned since beginning this adventure with Jenniy...

Seriously.  It's become apparent to me that the worst messages I've gotten have come after midnight.  And by worst I mean most explicit as well as offensive to those of us who actually write and speak English.  What the hell does this guy have against punctuation?  I've read this message more times than I care to admit, and part of it is because I read it once, then read it again to decipher it into sentences.

I don't know why he feels it is ok to ask me why I'm really single.  Does anyone know why they're really single?  Is that a legitimate question I am supposed to know the answer to?  How should I answer that... with a string of complaints about my ex and why we broke up?  Should I just pour out my insecurities as to why I think someone wouldn't be interested in me?  I just have no idea exactly how someone is supposed to respond to that.

Then, when I don't respond to him (you know, because I'm sleeping) I get this message "So let me guess your picky rite".  Is that a statement or a question, Kerri?  But here's what I REALLY want to know... what are you really trying to say?

I didn't answer because I was sleeping... like normal people who don't work third shift usually do at 1 a.m.  What does that have to do with me being picky?  Kerri's response, when he didn't get an immediate reply from me, only tells me that he has some issues with perceived rejection (super scary and unhealthy) and that he doesn't have what it takes to impress or be with a woman who is "picky" because a man who does doesn't need to resort to such pathetic tactics to get a woman to respond.  While I'm sure it was intended as some kind of implication that I shouldn't be picky, it mostly just comes off as being a very bold statement that says having a type, having standards, and preferences is a personal insult to him and more than likely because he already knows he can't meet the bar.

Dean's first, and only, message.  Gee... thanks Dean.  I guess I looked cute and in need of that kind of validation.  I'm glad you think so.

NO CUTE FOR YOU!

He sent me these three messages, all within 45 minutes.  Obviously, I didn't respond to any of them because... um... what the hell dude?  Nothing is creepier than a man who "shouts" "I LOVE YOU!!!" in his first message.  And I would be lying if I said I didn't look for tell-tale evidence (candy wrappers, cigarette butts, marks in the lawn from a fold-up chair or a bottle that suspiciously looked like urine) that someone was watching me all night from the neighboring lawns.

He deleted his account shortly after messaging me.  Gee... I wonder why he thought he was blocked from everyone?

Short and to the point.  But... I'm not sure what made Calvin think I would respond positively to this.  When I asked if it had worked before and what made him think it would work with me he told me it hadn't but he was hopeful, and then asked if I could meet him.

Um, no.

I ended the conversation by telling him I was going to pass, but good luck and "please use protection".

Yeah.  I'm that bitch who carries condoms in her purse NOT because I'm going to use them, but in the unavoidable event that I encounter someone who should be given one and advised to use it.  Yes, I have done that.  No, I have not been punched in the face yet.

You look like an asshole that wouldn't know how to make a woman have an orgasm if your life depended on it. Am I right or am I right?

Douche.

What is the deal with these kinds of messages? I get them fairly often myself, and it never stops creeping me out. I think some people really watch too much porn. --jenniy

Cuckolding is such a fancy word for "fuck my partner while I watch", but according to The Daily Beast cuckolding is "The Intellectual Sex Fetish" and so much more than one Redneck asking another Redneck to fuck his wife.  Um...whatever.  It just brings up memories of awkward propositions made to me in a bar a time or two.

Anyway, this little gem was sent to me by The Pink Polka Dotted Unicorn who I suspect we'll be hearing a lot from because she attracts freaks like no other.  And a small part of me can't wait.

Apparently, the fact that I looked and wasn't interested hurt his wittle feelings and he felt the need to come back and tell me he's not interested.  And I'm the stalker?  Right.

I just don't the appeal. There are so many better places than on my glasses. On top of that, given the fact that I need these things TO FUCKING SEE 5 FEET IN FRONT OF MY FACE I really don't think I want them covered in drying, sticky semen.

The next question is why is this even a remotely good idea for a first message? Hot Ash keeps having conversations that start out normally, but this is what I get right off the bat. Bam! "Hey baby I never met you but you want some of my sticky stuff somewhere on or in your body?" It's gross. I at least want to have a conversation about how much better my taste is in music than yours before we proceed to the exchange of bodily fluids, ok?