Tuesday, November 4, 2014

My Driver's License should have a color wheel.  In the past 10 years I've been almost every shade of brown and red, and I've even been blonde.  That being said, I have a couple of different photos of myself on my dating profile and they all have a different hair cut or color.  Clearly this guy didn't know what to make of that so he tried to cover all of the bases.

I guess maybe I should give him a little credit, he did try to be inclusive of all my hair colors.  What would have been even better is if he would have tried having a conversation with me.  Maybe we could have done something like he talked about on his profile....
"A good lunch followed by couple drinks and good conversation. Finding out there are plenty of things to talk about due to similar opinion and interests. Also if you don't approve of medicinal marijuana then you are either so brain washed or so stupid that I cant talk to you. Any doctor that prescribes opiate pain medication before exploring if marijuana would work first should have their medical license permanently taken away."
Instead, I get this weird first message.  And did I mention that he kinda looks like a drug user?  I'm down with P.O.T but this guy kind of looked like he might dabble in meth or something.  Maybe I'm just being a judgmental asshole against weird-looking skinny dudes.

I didn't respond for a few days, but then decided that when in doubt, honesty is the best policy and I responded with the most honest answer I could:

Are you sure? My personal toys actually spend most of their time under my bed with the batteries ripped out.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

It has become a habit of mine to ask men who approach me with "lines" like this if it has ever actually worked for them... a practice I should stop immediately because the response sometimes leaves me with such intense fear for the future and shame that I don't know what I do with myself. 

I'm all about casual sex if both parties consent and it is mutually beneficial.  I'm all about men and women going out and getting what it is they want and desire from every relationship.  But I cannot for the life of me understand how this approach appeals to anyone.  Maybe there is something severely lacking in my sexual past, but I can't imagine ever being so into oral sex that I respond positively to a man who wants to eat his way into my heart.  

Maybe I've just been hit on by one too many men who make me think they might actually want to eat me to be interested.  Clearly online dating has begun damaging my perception of the world, especially when it comes to eating anything. 

Not to mention... "Want ur box eaten then?" is the second most unsexy approach to getting a face full of my nether regions I've ever heard, right after the first thing this guy said to me.  

Saturday, September 27, 2014

It is 2014, people.

If you were to look around you, it might not seem like it especially if you have a vagina or identify as a woman, but it’s true. It’s 2014, but we still have “news” anchors who refer to females in combat as “boobs on the ground.”

Let me provide some background on this story for those who aren’t privy to it already. Earlier this week, Major Mariam Al Mansouri became the first female pilot of the United Arab Emirates to command an airstrike against Isis. That’s a huge accomplishment especially for Maj. Al Mansouri and really for women everywhere. It’s not the first time a female pilot has played a major role in the military. In fact, at least for the United States, female bomber pilots date back to WWII and in 1944, the U.S. Army Air Forces Commander went on record to state that women can fly as well as men.

Yet here we are in 2014 with Fox News anchors, Eric Bolling and Greg Gutfeld, making statements such as “problem is, after she bombed it, she couldn’t park it…” and “would that be considered boobs on the ground, or no?”

Both have since half-heartedly apologized for such statements but those really amount to nothing especially since Bolling admitted he was apologizing because it angered his wife.

Let me be the possibly millionth person to point out that earlier in the segment both men were discussing, heatedly, the fact that President Obama saluted an armed services member with a coffee cup in his hand. The biggest scandal this week is that our President, a known human being, forgot to switch his coffee cup into his other hand and saluted, awkwardly, with the fucking thing. And in doing so, he ignited so much conservative ire that these same two men were shouting into the camera about how these people put their lives on the line for their country and should be shown a little respect.

Let that sink in…

People in armed services should be shown a little respect and not be saluted, unintentionally, with a coffee cup in hand (but it was fine and dandy for President Bush to do so with a dog in his hand, let me add) but it is perfectly fine to then make fun of a female officer’s accomplishments by joking that she cannot park her jet and referring to her as boobs on the ground.

Apparently respect only extends to those individuals who aren’t women. Fuck the so-called fairer sex. Fuck us. When it comes to putting our lives on the line, it’s a big goddamn joke. Don’t let the President salute a man with a coffee cup in hand, but let’s make a big fucking mockery of a huge accomplishment by a female officer. Turn something remarkable and quite serious given Fox News’ apparent fear of ISIS into a laugh riot at her expense.

We don’t need feminism though. It’s time for women to realize that being a feminist isn’t going to get us the men we want. We’re creating this ‘war on women” all in our pretty little heads. We got what we wanted and now we’re just power hungry. We’re manhaters. It’s about hate not equality. Right??? Right?

I’ll believe that feminism isn’t necessary when in the same program, two asshats like Eric Bolling and Greg Gutfield aren’t screaming for respect for our troops then completely degrading a female officer. I’ll stop being a self-identified feminist when anchors on this same station stop blaming women for being raped. I’ll stop when they stop claiming that women don’t really want pay equality.

I’ll stop when I no longer get messages from men who tell me that it all evens out anyway because we can flash our tits and get a free drink whenever we want… When people no longer feel it necessary to send the types of messages I use to make DoucheArt… When men can get custody of their children instead of judges telling them that a child being with a “shitty” mother is better than being with their father… When it’s not a woman’s fault if her nude photos are leaked… When the pay gap closes for ALL women especially WOC who face a larger gap than their White counterparts… When being of child-bearing age is no longer a reason why we didn’t get the fucking job…

When there’s no longer a need for feminism, I’ll be the first to shed the label.

I pinky swear.
Monday, September 22, 2014

I'm a Seinfeld fan.  I don't care for Jerry Seinfeld's Stand Up (makes no sense, I know), but I love the sitcom.  One of my favorite episodes is the one where Jerry is dating the woman who likes to be naked all of the time and one day he has to explain "bad naked" (like squatting or coughing while naked) to his friends who can't figure out the downside of being naked all the time. 

On my OkCupid profile, for the "Most Private Thing You're Willing to Admit" I have: I like to be naked under my clothes. Also, I shower completely in the nude. And I despise bad naked (bonus points if you get the reference).

I think I'm funny.  

Most of the time, people don't get my Seinfeld Show references, which is unfortunate because I make them all the time.  But one of the few times someone does get one... and it is this guy.  If his message wasn't weird enough... check out his profile. 

So... a hot, horny, high, and Hispanic handyman hanging out at home hoping to be your homebound houseboy.  

That's too much Alliteration.  Even for me.  Sorry Dude. 

Friday, September 19, 2014

So, I  know what this message is referring to. I'm not exactly sure what it means as a standalone first message unless it's just a ploy to get me to respond....but why? Why would I respond to that? Either way, I think at this point, it's officially safe to say that dating sites are completely fucking broken. Anyone want to venture a guess at what this message is all about? I'm done.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I can understand after having known someone a while with the anticipation building up that some "flirty" pics may be exchanged or even with someone you're into that you haven't seen in some time just to keep things spicy, but to message someone and immediately request that nude photos be swapped is a little bit much.


I can promise you that you have nothing under your shirt or in your pants that I haven't seen before in real and in photos many, many, many, many times before. I don't care about seeing it again from someone I have zero attraction to based on a sad ass, no effort dickhole of a message. And no, it certainly wouldn't be funny to find my photos plastered on some bullshit amateur site when you got bored with looking at them and decided to pass along the booty (pun intended). So... go take about 20 more photos of your cock. I'm sure they'll come in handy one day.


Monday, September 15, 2014

We here at DoucheArt want to ring in the best holiday of the year by participating in a joint-blogger giveaway hosted by More Than Cheese and Beer. You can check out her original post here.

How to Win:
Use Rafflecopter to....
Like the Facebook pages of the bloggers involved
Follow on Twitter
Subscribe to blogs via email or on Bloglovin’.

Fans and followers can earn 2 entries by “Liking” each Facebook page, and 2 Entries for following on Twitter (4 Entries if there is only a Facebook page). 

“Subscribe to” blogs via email or through BlogLovin’ for an additional 4 Entries (I WILL be emailing bloggers for verification of this). 

The giveaway opens for entries September 15th and Winners will be randomly selected and announced on October 20th on my Facebook Page More Than Cheese and Beer, tweeted (if possible), and emailed. 

Giveaway is limited to the U.S (Sorry!)

Prizes will be shipped by Halloween (October 31st, 2014).  Winners will have until noon CST on October 22nd to respond to my email, and I will forward their contact information to the person offering the prize.  If winners do not respond, bloggers can do what they want with the prize.  Participants are not eligible to win their own prizes, but are eligible to win prizes offered by others.

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