DoucheArt

My Driver's License should have a color wheel.  In the past 10 years I've been almost every shade of brown and red, and I've even been blonde.  That being said, I have a couple of different photos of myself on my dating profile and they all have a different hair cut or color.  Clearly this guy didn't know what to make of that so he tried to cover all of the bases.

I guess maybe I should give him a little credit, he did try to be inclusive of all my hair colors.  What would have been even better is if he would have tried having a conversation with me.  Maybe we could have done something like he talked about on his profile....

"A good lunch followed by couple drinks and good conversation. Finding out there are plenty of things to talk about due to similar opinion and interests. Also if you don't approve of medicinal marijuana then you are either so brain washed or so stupid that I cant talk to you. Any doctor that prescribes opiate pain medication before exploring if marijuana would work first should have their medical license permanently taken away."

Instead, I get this weird first message.  And did I mention that he kinda looks like a drug user?  I'm down with P.O.T but this guy kind of looked like he might dabble in meth or something.  Maybe I'm just being a judgmental asshole against weird-looking skinny dudes.

I didn't respond for a few days, but then decided that when in doubt, honesty is the best policy and I responded with the most honest answer I could:

I didn't even answer the first by the time the second message came.

"Dam girl what's up with you"

I don't even know how to translate that.  Is he literally asking me what's up?  Is he trying to ask me why I didn't respond to his first message?  I'm confused either way.

But this is the kind of message you get when you take down your profile picture.  You know... no one called me "girl" when I was one, except the little Chinese lady who owned the restaurant we used to go to as a family when I was a kid.  But she called all of us "girl" or "boy" respectively, and while I haven't seen her in years I'm relatively certain she would STILL call me that today in spite of the fact that I'm 28 years old.   She still calls my brother "boy" and he's like 6'2 and she only comes up to the middle of his chest.
 
My point?  The only person who gets to call me "girl" is a Chinese woman in her 60's who used to send me home with styrofoam containers of Chinese food even though we showed up for the buffet.

And learn how to spell "Damn".  It's a fucking four letter word, dumb ass.  Ugh... nothing locks up my ability to communicate with someone who is an idiot AND can't spell.

This was a submission from one of our faithful readers.  We're going to call her Hot Dee... and I suspect she's going to have a lot of submissions for us in the near future.  Plus... I LOVE how she isn't taking crap from these guys!

I'm honestly still trying to decipher the first message from Pete....  I'm not sure what he is trying to say.  "I have ALL those".... maybe Hot Dee has a list of dating qualifications?  Maybe he means he wants a "lil" of something Hot Dee's got?  I have no idea.

The best part?  He acknowledges that his message was bad, gives a half-assed apology and then comes back "just looking for a piece of ass".  I don't know why looking for a piece of ass means you shouldn't put some effort into it... at the very least use some punctuation, fuckstick.  Why the hell do people think that just because you're looking for a hook up you shouldn't come off as at least reasonably intelligent?

Maybe I'm an asshole, but if you can't put even a little effort into your shitty ass line I'm not going to see what kind of lame ass attempt you put into your bedroom performance.  I get it... being able to form a sentence and "perform" are two different things, but I can't help but think if you can't put a little effort into getting my clothes off, I doubt you're going to put effort into getting ME off and that is all there is to it.

Hot Dee ended the conversation with "Wrong page, but good luck."  I think I'm going to make that my trademark response.

Not really...she can't really be a lady if she's asking a dude to get her pregnant in a first message. Oh how long I've waited for us to get a submission of a message from a woman to a man but I didn't expect this level of creepiness. Part of me has to wonder if this is a prank considering the Waffle House comment. There's no part of my being that can take a love of Waffle House that seriously nor understand it on any sort of serious plane.

Offering a woman jizz in a first message is ridiculous. It truly is. And I've had messages proclaiming love for me because I have awesome tits (that you can't even see in my photos), but to "my womb is ready for your babies to grow" in all caps is just a new level of horror.

Damn, girl... You need to hit the snooze button on that biological clock or you're never going to find anyone that will have babies with you. There's a time and place for baby talk but the first message is neither the time nor place.

This is so many bad stereotypes rolled into one that it actually makes me nauseated. --jenniy

On the surface, this message may not look particularly awful and you may be wondering just why exactly it made for good DoucheArt this evening given the countless other graphic, douchey messages we get or see posted on Instagram. But this message provided me with two things to address.

First, it is, in fact, douchey to call someone baby, babe, sweetheart, hun, honey, boo, bae or any other variation of a stupidly intimate pet name in your initial message. You're already showing, by doing so, that you're feeling entitled to a level of intimacy with a person that you haven't been invited to partake in. I'm not your baby. I don't even fucking know you, and now, you've ensured that I will never want to because you're already violating unnecessary boundaries.

Two, before I replied, I looked at his profile. His interests are listed as sports and sex. His status is "living with someone." He doesn't have a profile picture. Usually, in my experience, that's a red flag that either someone has issues or they have something to hide. *Not ALL the time but usually.* So, when I did respond, I said exactly that--most of the time when someone doesn't have a pic already on here, they have something to hide. His response: ur right I do!!

When I responded again to tell him that he should be spending time with his significant other instead of harassing women online and that it is disgusting to me that someone in a committed relationship feels the need to expose the person who trusts them most to any number of diseases through online hookup/sexual misadventures, he then told me that his significant other is dead and that I'm a "biotch." He continued to call me a biotch after I asked why his status is living with someone and why he admitted he had something to hide if his significant other is, in fact, dead. I have now been blocked.

Don't be that guy that surfs the Internet to hook up with strange women you meet for one-night stands. If you make a commitment, then fucking stick to it or get the fuck out of it. And, for fuck's sake, if you aren't getting your needs satisfied, talk to your partner instead of trying to drag some random Internet hookup into your drama. If you can't handle a commitment, then do like I do and don't fucking make one. --jenniy

Anything except have an intelligent, thoughtful, and respectful conversation, right? It seems like you're probably incapable of letting me do that with you given these are the first words you've ever said to me, and they're saturated with sexual innuendo so strong it made me gag. Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that I can use you as my human sex toy, but I'd probably get better mental stimulation out of my fucking vibrator. --jenniy

All I can say is I'm glad I'm not on that site legitimately looking for the love of my life because I'd be gravely disappointed. But, if I ever need a so-called punching bag to relieve some of my frustration, I may just have to give this a shot. --jenniy

I have no words for this Reader Submission.  None whatsoever.  "Faceee" cannot be a typo.  I wonder if he thinks that's cute?  Because all I hear in my head is the World's most unsexy  man-squeal.

Maybe instead of something like that, a guy could start with something simple like, "Hi" and maybe tell a girl she's pretty.  If it were me, the only thing of mine that would be meeting this guy's face is my fuckin' fist.

And the best part?  It didn't stop there.  This guy is a frequent offender and you can expect to see more from him soon!

 
Mike message messaged me and suddenly stopped answering.  Two and a half weeks later... he came back and tried again.

I was the douche this time.  I'll admit it.  And maybe Mike is just... I don't know, shy or something.  But honestly... I'm so tired of being conversationally cockblocked by these guys and I've decided I'm just going to say so.  I hate having my time wasted... if you don't want to talk, don't message me.

Mike never responded.  That's ok.  We wouldn't have had anything to talk about anyway.

Oh Manny....  what the hell?  If the text speak didn't turn me off, the Tony the Tiger "gr888" did.  You're not coming anywhere near my Frosted Flakes anytime soon.

Dean's first, and only, message.  Gee... thanks Dean.  I guess I looked cute and in need of that kind of validation.  I'm glad you think so.

NO CUTE FOR YOU!

Is this supposed to be some sort of insult? It seems like it. I can only assume that this message is a result of

A) my glasses
B) the fact that I mention knowing how to read and enjoy books
C) I write. For fun. And talk about it. Emphatically.
D) My profile doesn't have any $10 words (for a reason), but everything is spelled and punctuated correctly. That means no abbreviated text/Twitter speak.

I might expect this sort of question from 18-22 year olds, but a 44 year old man thinks I'm a nerd because I read, write, and know how to spell?!?

This. This is a big part of what's wrong with our society right  now. When did being vapid become so chic? Not to mention the fact that being a fucking bully and *attempting* to insult someone in a first message is probably douchier than offering to show them your dick.

My response: You say that like it's a bad thing.

--jenniy

I have so many problems with this.

I'm tired of "text speak", for starters.  But, ok, that's fine... I'll give him a chance.  But then... this.  Now listen... it's a tough market out there and I can understand that.  I'm not going to say that not having a job makes someone undateable, but I definitely don't think that being like "Hey, I'm unemployed" on your second message is necessarily the way to go.  I guess I don't consider myself to be defined by my job (because I have a job and not a career) but that being said, I don't talk about it unless I'm asked and I don't ask about it either.  Which leaves plenty of room to talk about other things like hobbies and interests, but instead this guy goes straight for the unemployment.

But let's step around the unemployed fact and just look at the situation... what the fuck am I supposed to say to that?  I'm being left with no way and no content to respond to.  I mean, "Gee...that sucks" feels inadequate but at the same time I don't feel like I'm supposed to be the person to step up and say more like "I'm sorry to hear that" because the truth is... I'M NOT SORRY TO HEAR THAT.  It sucks when ANYONE loses their job, but what am I supposed to do...commiserate with the guy when for all I know he got fired for a damn good reason?

Maybe it was for his conversational skills because even if I wanted to reply to him... he left me with no way to.  What am I going to do... ignore your statement?  Just bypass it and be like "So... what do you like to do for fun?"

Let that be a lesson to you out there, gentlemen.  It might not be WHAT you're saying versus how you're saying it that is preventing you from getting a response.

Assumptions were made with this message. I have tattoos which show in my photos on my profile. Those tattoos have gotten me called a "bad girl," "exotic," "sensual," and even a "freak." People have these ideas, stereotypes if you will, built in their own minds about what kind of person has as many tattoos as I do (and counting). Exotic? I'm from South Georgia. My skin looks like milk, and when I'm in the sun, my freckles connect. How the fuck is that exotic? The rest are simply assumptions based on what kind of person has tattoos according to the messenger.

The same is true with this message. I have no visible piercings in my photos, and truth be told the only thing I have pierced is my ears. The assumption though is that since I have tattoos, I must also have piercings, and now he's curious about just what exactly I might have pierced.

It's not exactly an innocent first thought to have about someone. But, it wasn't just a thought. This guy decided to take it to the next level and go ahead and ask me. He may as well have just asked me what my vagina looks like, if I shave or trim or bleach my asshole, and if the carpet matches the drapes. Because what he really wants to know when it comes down to it is what I look like in my most intimate of areas so he can picture that during whatever fantasy he comes up with as he sits at his keyboard typing one handed.

If knowing what type of tampons I prefer is too intimate for you, TMI perhaps, then asking if my clit is pierced is also too intimate. You need to know one about as much as the other in a first message. --jenniy

Let me preface this by saying that I have no problem with the whole S&M thing. I dabble. I enjoy it. And, under normal circumstances, I really have no issues doling out a little punishment if the mood strikes. That may be TMI, but I just want it to be known that I didn't select this message based on the fact that this guy obviously wants or needs or would like a little humiliation. In and of itself, that isn't the problem.

The problem is that an idiot with both the words "orgasm" and "daddy" in his username whose profile is all about his kids is messaging women not to introduce himself or to say hello or to even figure out what they're into but to try and scratch his itch. He proceeds right to soliciting what he wants in his very first message without so much as attempting to figure out if the person he's messaging would actually be into the same things he is--and yes, that's a big fucking deal. Plenty of Fish isn't Fetlife. It's not catering to a niche crowd of people that want to explore that side of themselves. It's about widening your social circle, meeting people, and potentially falling in love or friendship with them.

If you're on PoF looking for casual sex, then your profile needs to explicitly say so. There's no need to bullshit people with a bunch of commentary about how good a father you are since when it comes down to it, you're not looking for someone to meet your kids. You're looking for someone to jump on your dick. As such, the more you talk about how awesome a single dad you are while messaging people about sex, the more you look like a fucking liar who is out for his own self-interests with little concern for what anyone else's wants, needs, or desires including your children's.

Maybe that sounds harsh, but as someone with a child and an ex who has been through woman after woman since we went out separate ways romantically, I can say that it's pretty fucking sickening when people use their "single father" status as a means to get into panties, and those people rarely have the best interests of their children in mind. --jenniy

Sometimes in life you do stupid things.  I, personally, do really stupid things and this post is evidence of it.

To make a long story short... sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at your mistakes.  That is especially true when you find your Mistake's online dating profile and notice that he lied during your entire relationship about his height (exaggerating) but was honest about it on his dating profile.  And honestly that is just the beginning as I could pick the entire thing apart but for the sake of time and energy I will just say...the whole profile was a piece of shit and full of half-truths.

I Am a single father who loves life. I Am very easy going person who enjoys sitting at home watching a movie over going out drinking. I live to fish and own my own boat. I am looking for someone who likes some of the same things as me so we can do something we both enjoy. I like plays and opera...a couple Ihave seen in person are Rent, Cinderella, and my favorite seen at the Cadillac Palace in Chicago IL. The Phantom of the Opera. If your a Fun woman who would like to hang out and maybe go to a movie hit me up. though I do work a lot and have my daughter every other weekend I will still make tone for fun"

While being a douche and sharing his online dating profile with friends, I made the most rookie move ever and clicked on the link while I was logged into Plenty of Fish in another tab.  Anyone who uses the site knows...once you look at a profile, the user can see that you viewed them.  It took him ten days to notice upon which I got this message.  Which would be a shitty first message from anyone, but it's especially shitty because I'm sure he's thinking I'm interested in him again or I'm "stalking" him.  And quite frankly, being the one doing the stalking, sending the abusive and harassing text messages, doing slow drive-bys in my work vehicle (because I have a job related need to be on the street and in the neighborhood) might be a nice change of pace after having been on the receiving end of such behaviors for months.  But... I would never do that to another person after knowing what it is like to lay in bed and know the vehicle of someone who once sent you a video of himself holding a gun to his head because you wouldn't talk to him is on the street outside your window in the middle of the night.

The moral of the story is... don't make rookie mistakes when making fun of your exes.  And be wary of everyone you meet because a seemingly decent, though incredibly poorly written, profile might be another woman's former nightmare.

He sent me these three messages, all within 45 minutes.  Obviously, I didn't respond to any of them because... um... what the hell dude?  Nothing is creepier than a man who "shouts" "I LOVE YOU!!!" in his first message.  And I would be lying if I said I didn't look for tell-tale evidence (candy wrappers, cigarette butts, marks in the lawn from a fold-up chair or a bottle that suspiciously looked like urine) that someone was watching me all night from the neighboring lawns.

He deleted his account shortly after messaging me.  Gee... I wonder why he thought he was blocked from everyone?