DoucheArt

So, I  know what this message is referring to. I'm not exactly sure what it means as a standalone first message unless it's just a ploy to get me to respond....but why? Why would I respond to that? Either way, I think at this point, it's officially safe to say that dating sites are completely fucking broken. Anyone want to venture a guess at what this message is all about? I'm done.

--j

I can understand after having known someone a while with the anticipation building up that some "flirty" pics may be exchanged or even with someone you're into that you haven't seen in some time just to keep things spicy, but to message someone and immediately request that nude photos be swapped is a little bit much.

Jay,

I can promise you that you have nothing under your shirt or in your pants that I haven't seen before in real and in photos many, many, many, many times before. I don't care about seeing it again from someone I have zero attraction to based on a sad ass, no effort dickhole of a message. And no, it certainly wouldn't be funny to find my photos plastered on some bullshit amateur site when you got bored with looking at them and decided to pass along the booty (pun intended). So... go take about 20 more photos of your cock. I'm sure they'll come in handy one day.

love,

j

So I've already had a run-in with this guy. You can check out that situation here. It wasn't pretty and he told me I have quite an attitude problem which is obviously why I'm single. Obviously, he's a lying sack of shit all-around and that's why HE'S single...

-j

I. Have. No. Fucking. Clue.

What is this message trying to say? I feel like this is a bad Google translation of a perverted comment about oral perhaps without sex or without me being his sister. I'm not sure. All I know is that this is not the way to get anyone's attention.

Any guesses what this might mean??

-j

This wasn't the first message I received from this guy. He started out by asking how a man is supposed to entertain a lady without knowing what entertains that lady. I responded. I have no idea why, but I did. And I regretted it almost immediately. I told him I give out plenty of information in my profile about myself, my goals, and all sorts of things that I find entertaining that would lead to some sort of real conversation. His response was that he wanted to know "better" things that are "closer" and "not for general purpose."

Red flag, right?

I told him to please stop skirting the issue and say what he meant instead of the cryptic generalities. He sent the above message. I didn't respond. It was 1 a.m. and I had sent my message about not tiptoeing around what he really meant just before I got in bed for the night. Less than 10 minutes later he sent another message (that I didn't get until the next day) demanding to know why I couldn't give him an answer.

So, let me get this straight, dude. You want to know private information about me despite the fact that my profile is leaps and bounds more detailed than yours. You want to know what entertains me when I'm naked and alone in bed (what a fucking assumption). And you want to know it right fucking now.

Great. Another entitled dickhead expecting to get something for nothing. And ASAP.

I wasn't in the best of moods the next day when I saw his demand for a response, so I asked him just what the fuck being alone and naked had to do with entertaining me and also stated that I have a child. In my home. Why would he assume that I sleep in the nude? I mean, if he gets sick at night, do I really want to have him come in my room at night for me to take his temperature while I'm nude? No. No, I don't. Perhaps that's just me, but I don't relish the idea.

Why is it that someone I've never spoken to wants to know what I do to entertain myself when I'm "naked and alone" or when "no one is looking?" What does that have to do with what another person can do to keep me entertained? It's fucking creepy to ask someone that...someone you've never spoken to before in your life. You really honestly can't start out with a fucking comment on any of the shit I took the time to put in my profile? It has to be something I do when I'm naked? Fuckstick. He kept on with the conversation saying "..if I knew what was close to you then I would have something to entertain you with."

WHY WOULD I GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE WHO CAN'T EVEN SAY A FUCKING HELLO BEFORE ASKING WHAT I DO WHEN I'M NUDE??????????????????????

I explained that it wasn't kosher to ask a woman what she does when she's naked before so much a introducing yourself. His response was to call me bittter, batshit crazy, angry, without a sense of humor, and said it was pretty obvious why I'm single.

Yeah...I know why, too. Because of dudes like you... Dudes who think it's okay to be absolute creepazoids and when you're called out on it, you resort to calling a woman crazy. Dudes who use the terms "bitter," "angry," and "crazy" to describe EVERY single woman who doesn't agree with them. Dudes who go back after a woman gets offended and says "hey, babe, it was a joke. get a sense of humor."

It is so fucking tiresome hearing that same bullshit.

That's exactly why I'm single.

Yep, that's all it said.

"Sext?"

In my profile I say, verbatim, "it seems the vast majority of the male population wishes to domesticate me or screw me. One extreme or the other with nothing in the gray area. It's frustrating." So an offer to sext isn't exactly screwing but without anything else to go on, it surely doesn't fall into the gray area I mention. And, really, that's like walking up to a woman in a bar and saying, "Can you show me your tits and then tell me how you would give me head?"

Would that work in real life? Does it actually work on the Internet?

It doesn't work for me, and honestly, I found it a bit disturbing. If someone walked up to me in person and asked if I'd describe how I'd fuck them without so much as introducing themselves, it would be a total violation. Why can't people see that saying the same shit on the Internet is STILL a violation. I'M STILL A FUCKING PERSON NO MATTER THE FACT THAT I'M SITTING IN FRONT OF MY COMPUTER WHILE YOU SIT AT YOURS. Being online doesn't suddenly change the fact that you should observe the same courtesies and respect that you would pay to a person in real life. I have no doubt that this dude has little respect for women as it is, but I highly doubt he would walk up to a woman in a grocery store and say "fuck?" and expect her to smile a knowing smile, grab his hand, and head over to the men's bathroom with him... So, don't pull that shit online. Ugh. --jenniy

uh...

no, thanks.

But, seriously, I don't think this is implying anything about late night drives on dirt roads. So, can he really think that suggesting that some guy from the sticks can fuck better or differently than anyone else? Because I can tell you right now with 100% confidence, that ain't true.

I've had "country" for most of my life being that I live in a town of 297 people and the surrounding area is still under 20,000. It's all farmland, dirt roads, and rural quietness. And, it all feels the same, dude. The only thing you can guarantee is that it's going to be a lot better if I actually respect the person I'm sleeping with and with an opening line like that, well, chances are slim on that one...

--jenniy

Troy sent me a message at approximately 10:30 last night. He let me know that he thinks I am sexy and would like to get to know me. An hour or so later, without me having checked or read the message, he messaged me again with "guess ur abot dat cashflow."

Well excuse the fuck out of me for having a life outside checking Plenty of Fish, Troy. Excuse me for being in the last two weeks of class and having 2 essays and a 10 page paper to write. Excuse me for having letters to write, blogs to post, a child to care for, animals to care for including an injured one, a house to clean, and chores that need to be done. Excuse me for not giving a shit that some methhead in the middle of bumfuck nowhere messaged me while I was in the midst of a state of mental stress after having seen my rapist ON FACEBOOK.

I know you may be thinking that there's no way that good ol' Troy could possibly have known those personal details about me. I concede he couldn't have possibly known the latter. But, my profile does detail the fact that I am extremely busy. I list that I have classes, a kid, animals, 2 acres of land, letters, blogs, and am working on my novel. I make it clear that I stay incredibly busy. But, Troy likely didn't read that.

Or maybe he did.

Either way, Troy expected me to drop everything in my life to return his message because I should have, I suppose, been grateful that he bothered to send me one. And that, unfortunately, is a common theme on these sites. It may not be the overtly sexual messages that we typically post, but it certainly qualifies Troy as a douche especially since he didn't bother asking if I was too busy at the moment to talk, he made an assumption that characterized me as something that places the blame on me and makes me some sort of superficial asshat.

If you don't owe me respect, I do not, in any way, owe you a fucking response. In fact, I don't owe anyone besides my self and my child anything at all. --j

Somehow I don't think the "something" he mentions here has anything to do with candy... I'm most definitely sure the offer is only for *his* white cock.

Yes, he went there.

I should clarify that the person who received this message is Latina which makes it doubly offensive (to me anyway). I've received similar messages myself from people outside my race. Personally, I have never turned someone down because of their race or nationality,but what I don't do is date people who make everything about race. If you have to offer someone outside your race your *white* cock then maybe you think it's something a bit more special than it actually is. I've seen plenty of cocks in a rainbow of shades and I can say without a doubt that white skin doesn't make it extra special. I would assume that same sentiment is likely true for women of all races and ethnicities (though it's not my place to say with 100% certainty). In my own personal experience, I've chosen who I've slept with or who I've dated because of *who* they are not what color they are...

So, if this shithead really wants to get vulgar, I can dish that right back by letting him know that once his "cock" is in there, it's going to feel the same no matter what color the fucking thing is. --j

Is this a euphemism? Do people stop to think about how the word "shit" will actually be interpreted by the person who receives the message? I have no words for this "shit." In fact, all I want to say is the moral of this story is to never use MeowChat. --jenniy

Normally, bad grammar tends to irk me. It's not that it incites rage or ire. It's just a pet peeve. If I had received this message my first thought upon reading the first part is that maybe the guy's not so bad if he warns about his faults/flaws/mistakes ahead of time. I know some very intelligent people who are shit with spelling, so it's something that can be overlooked.

But then...oh god then...

What he should have warned about in the beginning is that he's bad with respecting women and that he prowls dating sites looking for women to bust a nut to since he's watched so much porn he can't even get it up anymore unless he's watching videos of women going to the bathroom who don't know they're being filmed.

What he should have warned about is that he's a fucking douchenozzle with some serious issues. Maybe just maybe if he stopped beating off long enough and took a few basic spelling and grammar lessons, he might actually only have to warn about the perversion. At least he would have that going for him...

--jenniy

This one and many of our submissions comes from World's Worst Feminist. Check out her blog! We love her!

Listen, *you're a fucking idiot if you think that blatantly stating you perceive the girl you're messaging to be fat and proudly proclaiming to be "into fat women" is going to get you anywhere. Perhaps she self-identifies as fat, maybe she has body image issues, maybe she is suffering from a medical disorder that makes her carry weight, maybe you're one of those douchecanoes who thinks a girl is fat if she's above a size 4. I dunno. But neither do you which is the point to all this. So, you're already in douche territory with the first line of the message.

But then to think that just because you say you're "into fat women" gives you the right to then ask this person to sit on your face without so much as a fucking greeting or exchange of pleasantries is the kind of douchebaggery that really infuriates me. Just because you see something you like does not make her obligated to hear out all your filthy fantasies and desires about her. Would you have the balls to actually walk up and say this to some woman you see at a bar? Don't you think that would qualify as harassment and likely get you thrown out of said bar? Keep that shit to yourself unless you have consent. Until then, you're nothing more than a sad little exhibitionist flashing his flaccid wee-wee at whoever he can trick into taking a look.

--jenniy

Not really...she can't really be a lady if she's asking a dude to get her pregnant in a first message. Oh how long I've waited for us to get a submission of a message from a woman to a man but I didn't expect this level of creepiness. Part of me has to wonder if this is a prank considering the Waffle House comment. There's no part of my being that can take a love of Waffle House that seriously nor understand it on any sort of serious plane.

Offering a woman jizz in a first message is ridiculous. It truly is. And I've had messages proclaiming love for me because I have awesome tits (that you can't even see in my photos), but to "my womb is ready for your babies to grow" in all caps is just a new level of horror.

Damn, girl... You need to hit the snooze button on that biological clock or you're never going to find anyone that will have babies with you. There's a time and place for baby talk but the first message is neither the time nor place.

This is so many bad stereotypes rolled into one that it actually makes me nauseated. --jenniy

Between each and every single one of these messages the person who received them let the sender know that she wasn't interested or flattered by his messages at all, but as you can see, that didn't stop him.

This is an aspect of rape culture and even though we have the option to block people online (and have been told that's what we should do instead of making DoucheArt), it shouldn't come to that nor can we block street harassers, sexual assaulters, and rapists.

These messages translate to real life even if it makes you uncomfortable to admit it, even if you've never seen it or experienced it, and even if we can block people like this from sending us more than one message.

There's a problem when, in our culture, no doesn't mean no, not interested doesn't stop the messages, and people feel entitled to detail these sorts of intimate actions without consent. By the time we actually block the messenger, it's already too late. That's like telling us to file a restraining order against a masked person who flashed us in a parking lot. We've already seen (or read) and can't unsee or unread. The person has already gotten off on sending the message in the first place just like the flasher gets off on the act of flashing. And, in the case of the internet, the pervert already has your username. If he chooses (and sometimes they do...it has happened to me), he can make profile after profile so that every time you block him, he can look you up. Even if you change YOUR profile, he'll still be able to find you.

As much as we like to joke around and poke fun at the idiotic things these people say, it's a sign of a deeper problem, a problem that needs to be addressed in a major way. --jenniy

On the surface, this message may not look particularly awful and you may be wondering just why exactly it made for good DoucheArt this evening given the countless other graphic, douchey messages we get or see posted on Instagram. But this message provided me with two things to address.

First, it is, in fact, douchey to call someone baby, babe, sweetheart, hun, honey, boo, bae or any other variation of a stupidly intimate pet name in your initial message. You're already showing, by doing so, that you're feeling entitled to a level of intimacy with a person that you haven't been invited to partake in. I'm not your baby. I don't even fucking know you, and now, you've ensured that I will never want to because you're already violating unnecessary boundaries.

Two, before I replied, I looked at his profile. His interests are listed as sports and sex. His status is "living with someone." He doesn't have a profile picture. Usually, in my experience, that's a red flag that either someone has issues or they have something to hide. *Not ALL the time but usually.* So, when I did respond, I said exactly that--most of the time when someone doesn't have a pic already on here, they have something to hide. His response: ur right I do!!

When I responded again to tell him that he should be spending time with his significant other instead of harassing women online and that it is disgusting to me that someone in a committed relationship feels the need to expose the person who trusts them most to any number of diseases through online hookup/sexual misadventures, he then told me that his significant other is dead and that I'm a "biotch." He continued to call me a biotch after I asked why his status is living with someone and why he admitted he had something to hide if his significant other is, in fact, dead. I have now been blocked.

Don't be that guy that surfs the Internet to hook up with strange women you meet for one-night stands. If you make a commitment, then fucking stick to it or get the fuck out of it. And, for fuck's sake, if you aren't getting your needs satisfied, talk to your partner instead of trying to drag some random Internet hookup into your drama. If you can't handle a commitment, then do like I do and don't fucking make one. --jenniy

Anything except have an intelligent, thoughtful, and respectful conversation, right? It seems like you're probably incapable of letting me do that with you given these are the first words you've ever said to me, and they're saturated with sexual innuendo so strong it made me gag. Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that I can use you as my human sex toy, but I'd probably get better mental stimulation out of my fucking vibrator. --jenniy

I loved this Instagram submission because I, too, suffer from having large breasts. That fact sort of becomes all that people focus on. I had one boyfriend after another when I was young that honestly only "dated" me to "get a look at those things." In fact, I often refrain from posting full body pics on dating sites because I get comments about my tits from just having my face and a bit of cleavage showing. I can't imagine how bad it would be if people got the full image.

I just want to go on record as saying that I've never gone to a man's profile and messaged him "what dick size?" even though I sometimes think I should just to prove a fucking point. I've never gone and said "nice bulge" to a complete stranger. Or "let me get a look at those balls." I've never sent a guy a message that says "bet you got a nice pair" or "whoa, baby, smother me with those things." I've never called someone a "big-balled monster." But I get those sorts of messages about my boobs fairly often.

I am a person not a set of tits.

I'm on dating site not Porn Hub.

Asking a girl's cup size is pretty fucking rude at any point in dating. She'll tell you if she wants. But, should it really matter? Is that something you need to know? I don't think so. Is a number/letter combination really going to improve or take away from the sight of them at all? Jesus christ, I really don't want to live in a world where this needs to be explained. I'm sitting here typing this out asking myself why this even needs to be said.

Yes, this guy had Cuckold in his username, so the offer was actually supposed to be legitimate, I guess. If you don't know, a cuckold is a submissive husband/partner/lover whose mate takes on other lovers letting the husband/partner/lover live vicariously through her sexual experiences.

So...first, I have a problem with the term "bitch" in this instance. To submit, apparently, to this guy means being equated with a term historically reserved for females. Already, that's a total turnoff. His submissiveness is equated with traditionally-defined female subservience in his mind.

But, take that out of the equation, and what you have is a guy (10 years younger than me, I might add) who thinks it is perfectly fine to ask a woman in a first message if she will be his partner while continuing to have sex with multitudes of men for his pleasure.

THIS ISN'T A FETISH SITE. But there are sites just for that. Perhaps at his young age he is too ignorant or naive to know that, so I could really let it pass if only he made some sort of get-to-know you talk first then moved towards asking if I even knew what all this was about. It's so fucking strange and creepy to ask someone this kind of thing in the very first message that you send. What the fuck happened to getting to know people before you start envisioning yourself listening to stories about them having raunchy sex with other people?

I'm all for people being able to express themselves and be true to who they are, but does that really have to come at the expense of common fucking decency?

-jenniy

How do I feel about domination and submission? You really want to know, Dan? I feel that it's none of your fucking business until we've actually moved beyond first messages and into the realm of actually discussing these things.

Do people on these things even know how to flirt anymore or is this it?

--jenniy