DoucheArt

Somehow I don't think the "something" he mentions here has anything to do with candy... I'm most definitely sure the offer is only for *his* white cock.

Yes, he went there.

I should clarify that the person who received this message is Latina which makes it doubly offensive (to me anyway). I've received similar messages myself from people outside my race. Personally, I have never turned someone down because of their race or nationality,but what I don't do is date people who make everything about race. If you have to offer someone outside your race your *white* cock then maybe you think it's something a bit more special than it actually is. I've seen plenty of cocks in a rainbow of shades and I can say without a doubt that white skin doesn't make it extra special. I would assume that same sentiment is likely true for women of all races and ethnicities (though it's not my place to say with 100% certainty). In my own personal experience, I've chosen who I've slept with or who I've dated because of *who* they are not what color they are...

So, if this shithead really wants to get vulgar, I can dish that right back by letting him know that once his "cock" is in there, it's going to feel the same no matter what color the fucking thing is. --j

I loved this Instagram submission because I, too, suffer from having large breasts. That fact sort of becomes all that people focus on. I had one boyfriend after another when I was young that honestly only "dated" me to "get a look at those things." In fact, I often refrain from posting full body pics on dating sites because I get comments about my tits from just having my face and a bit of cleavage showing. I can't imagine how bad it would be if people got the full image.

I just want to go on record as saying that I've never gone to a man's profile and messaged him "what dick size?" even though I sometimes think I should just to prove a fucking point. I've never gone and said "nice bulge" to a complete stranger. Or "let me get a look at those balls." I've never sent a guy a message that says "bet you got a nice pair" or "whoa, baby, smother me with those things." I've never called someone a "big-balled monster." But I get those sorts of messages about my boobs fairly often.

I am a person not a set of tits.

I'm on dating site not Porn Hub.

Asking a girl's cup size is pretty fucking rude at any point in dating. She'll tell you if she wants. But, should it really matter? Is that something you need to know? I don't think so. Is a number/letter combination really going to improve or take away from the sight of them at all? Jesus christ, I really don't want to live in a world where this needs to be explained. I'm sitting here typing this out asking myself why this even needs to be said.

Yes, this guy had Cuckold in his username, so the offer was actually supposed to be legitimate, I guess. If you don't know, a cuckold is a submissive husband/partner/lover whose mate takes on other lovers letting the husband/partner/lover live vicariously through her sexual experiences.

So...first, I have a problem with the term "bitch" in this instance. To submit, apparently, to this guy means being equated with a term historically reserved for females. Already, that's a total turnoff. His submissiveness is equated with traditionally-defined female subservience in his mind.

But, take that out of the equation, and what you have is a guy (10 years younger than me, I might add) who thinks it is perfectly fine to ask a woman in a first message if she will be his partner while continuing to have sex with multitudes of men for his pleasure.

THIS ISN'T A FETISH SITE. But there are sites just for that. Perhaps at his young age he is too ignorant or naive to know that, so I could really let it pass if only he made some sort of get-to-know you talk first then moved towards asking if I even knew what all this was about. It's so fucking strange and creepy to ask someone this kind of thing in the very first message that you send. What the fuck happened to getting to know people before you start envisioning yourself listening to stories about them having raunchy sex with other people?

I'm all for people being able to express themselves and be true to who they are, but does that really have to come at the expense of common fucking decency?

-jenniy

This is so casual. No preface. No gradual progression trying to figure out what the person who received this message really wanted or needed that day. Just boom...want some cum? That was it.

Since doing this (DoucheArt), I have become certain that there are far too many men out there who think women never derive any pleasure from sex and that we are here on Earth as cum receptacles. That's it for us in the minds of these fellows. We don't want or have or need orgasms. It's like we don't enjoy or want the act of sex at all whatsoever which is about as far from the actual fucking truth as it gets. Even when we're offered something that seems like it should be foreplay or for our enjoyment, it's really just because the offer is made by someone based on his own enjoyment of the act. All the "hey let me eat that pussy" messages aren't about our needs; they're about the fact that the man sending the message loves performing cunnilingus. That's all find and good, but sex is a two-way street. It should never be *just* about what one person enjoys. It should never be this one-sided.

People always say that sex means more when you love the person. I don't know if it's about the love as much as it's about the fact that it means two people who respect and care for one another are actually enjoying the moment WITH each other and not just because of each other. There's where the difference lies... When those elements are involved, both partners are as concerned about the enjoyment of each other as they are themselves.

So, you can keep attempting to jizz on our glasses or drown us in your wads all you fucking want to, but you're just going to end up jerking off into a sad little kleenex because all you care about is getting yours and you make that pretty fucking clear. --jenniy

Quite often, victims of street harrassment are told to smile. It's this whole idea that women are put on the Earth to be pleasing to the eye. Now, before you argue, just consider it. Without knowing why we may be down or angry at the time, without knowing us at all, a perfect stranger feels the need to walk up to us and tell us to smile...smile so you will be more pleasing for me to look at; I bet you have a pretty smile. Do you see random men running up to homeless people to do so? Do you see men go into a mental hospital telling people to smile or walk down the corridors of a hospital feeling the need to tell people to smile? At a funeral? After a tragedy? You can't possibly know what is going on in someone's life at any point in time yet women are constantly told to smile. The end point is that we aren't here to be pleasing to the eye. We have complex lives that come with baggage and problems and issues just like any other person's. When we have a reason to smile, damnit, we will.

I had a friend on Facebook relate a story just the other day of a man BLOCKING her entrance to a store telling her to smile. He actually felt the need to block her path while she entered a store to tell her to smile...a man, a strange man she had never met. That's fucking frightening in public or not especially after he resorted to name-calling when she wasn't thrilled with having to deal with this kind of bullshit.

And when we do smile, we get messages like this one. Great. --jenniy

Assumptions were made with this message. I have tattoos which show in my photos on my profile. Those tattoos have gotten me called a "bad girl," "exotic," "sensual," and even a "freak." People have these ideas, stereotypes if you will, built in their own minds about what kind of person has as many tattoos as I do (and counting). Exotic? I'm from South Georgia. My skin looks like milk, and when I'm in the sun, my freckles connect. How the fuck is that exotic? The rest are simply assumptions based on what kind of person has tattoos according to the messenger.

The same is true with this message. I have no visible piercings in my photos, and truth be told the only thing I have pierced is my ears. The assumption though is that since I have tattoos, I must also have piercings, and now he's curious about just what exactly I might have pierced.

It's not exactly an innocent first thought to have about someone. But, it wasn't just a thought. This guy decided to take it to the next level and go ahead and ask me. He may as well have just asked me what my vagina looks like, if I shave or trim or bleach my asshole, and if the carpet matches the drapes. Because what he really wants to know when it comes down to it is what I look like in my most intimate of areas so he can picture that during whatever fantasy he comes up with as he sits at his keyboard typing one handed.

If knowing what type of tampons I prefer is too intimate for you, TMI perhaps, then asking if my clit is pierced is also too intimate. You need to know one about as much as the other in a first message. --jenniy

Let's just start with the obvious on this one or at least the obvious to me. Perhaps it's not really Chinese history that is hard to learn. Perhaps since it's impossible for this guy to correctly construct one sentence, he is having a bit more trouble than the average person. In other words, his lack of intelligence makes this a very poor analogy.

If someone sent me the message, "Hi, beautiful. I'm Brian, and I just wanted you to know that you make me harder than it is to learn Chinese history," I might laugh. I likely wouldn't respond because I don't want to encourage this kind of behavior even in jest, but I would still smirk. If he followed it with someone letting me know it was a joke or letting me know anything else, I probably would respond. It's certainly more creative than the multitudes of dudes wanting to jizz on my glasses. But, upon seeing screenshots of the rest of this conversation between the girl it was sent to and Brian, it was obvious that he really meant what he said. He really wanted her to know that he made his dick hard.

Imagine you're sitting on the bus and a random man walks up to you. I don't care what gender you are or what your sexual orientation is (because the guys who send these messages really don't care about that either when it all comes down to it). Just imagine it. You're on the bus minding your own business, maybe looking around you at all the people off in their own worlds wondering what they're thinking about or what they're on the way to do. A man walks up and sits down beside you. He looks you up and down, winks, and says, "you make my dick hard."

IT'S NOT FUCKING FLATTERING.

It's creepy. There's no way to react well to that because it's just such a violation coming from a complete stranger whose erection may be of no interest to you. But, you're now guaranteed to have to picture his dick getting hard which is what he wanted in the first place. The most personal space of all-your own thoughts--has been violated by this idiot's hard-on, and he knows it.

It's the same on the Internet. Hearing about some guy's hard-on isn't really what most people are looking for in a first message. Don't be that guy. And if you've got to be that guy, spell things correctly.  --jenniy

I'm not sure why anyone would ever, ever think that was a compliment to himself, but apparently, this guy did. The last thing you want to compare yourself to is a natural disaster that lasts 30 seconds at most. Way to go, moron. You just ensured no one will ever want to fuck you.

Also, this one came to us from The Jaded Single. Check out her blog which combines dating and recipes. It's pretty awesome.

I *think* he means that he wants to jizz in her face, but it's hard to tell. Either way, it's not very classy. I mean, you open up with two possible options--jizz or a few punches in the face... This is what passes for a message on these sites at times. The bad thing is that Ash and I have been told more than once now that all we have to do is ignore messages like this and block the person. But, it's not just us, the admins, getting them. It's not just us that has felt dirty and ashamed and objectified because of them. It's not just us that thinks this has gone on far too long, and goddamnit, it's time we show what it's really like. These aren't just the half-wits and the socially challenged. These are people from all walks of life, all social classes and intelligence levels. I'm not down with making excuses for it, so here we are. No, you can't bust anything in my face, assholes. Go fuck yourselves. --jenniy

None of this is appropriate. Smother smaller girls? Really? So you open up with a comment on her size... And then you move on to using the phrase "big titted." Mature. You end with calling her a monster. 1 + 2+ 3 = you will never ever ever get fucking laid by anyone with half a goddamn brain nor should you ever deserve to you tiny-dicked jackass --jenniy

Yeah, that's exactly what a woman wants to hear when you first contact her... How you're fantasizing about dropping a load of jizz on her face. I mean, fuck the anticipation and the build up and the chase. Forget the flirting and the way she'll touch your arm when you make her laugh because she just *has* to touch you in that moment. Let's just skip all the good stuff and go right to your idiotic porn-soaked fantasies. Because that just makes a woman weak in the knees. Really. That's what we dream about at night--not being loved and loving someone else, not having hot, sweaty, passionate sex... We lay awake for hours thinking about random dudes splattering our faces with their dick juice. --jenniy

This is the new thing to ask people apparently. I mean, who gives a fuck what your name is, what you do for a living, what your hobbies are, or what you're looking for in a relationship/casual fling???? All we need to ask people from now on is a horribly disfigured interrogatory about how wet their pussy gets. I'm sure that will be confusing when I start asking this to all the guys on Plenty of Fish. --jenniy

After this guy told the girl he messaged that he felt like jacking off to her pics, he proceeded to compliment her looks even more. So, not only did he let her know that pictures of her (and not nude or risque ones) gave him a boner, he proceeded to let her know exactly what it was that was getting him off while he typed one-handed. What a fucking creep.

To me, it's a bit complimentary that someone gets turned on looking at photos of you UNLESS THAT SOMEONE IS A FUCKING STRANGER JERKING OFF TO PICTURES OF YOUR FACE. In the latter scenario, the guy is just saying that he's tried everything else under the sun to get off, can no longer get a thrill out of most of it, and now feels the need to peruse dating sites so he can whip his dick out and tell women about it knowing there is nothing they can do about it. It's tantamount to sexual assault honestly. If there was a way he could send photos of his pathetic little dick on the site, you can bet your ass he would have. This is what it's like to be a woman on the Internet. Yay. --jenniy

Sure, it's not creepy to all to know that you were looking up women in an area that you are just passing through to randomly hookup with. That's not creepy at all... I totally feel safe in the comfort of a stranger looking to get a piece of ass in a small, sleepy town he's just passing through on his way to possibly bleach her bones and turn them into artwork and sell her organs on the black market... Okay, maybe it's not really that bad, but who in the hell feels comfortable talking to a person not and then giving them an address to meet up and fuck later? Since when is this even attractive? Am I the only person left on the face of the planet that likes to actually be just as turned on by who a person is and not just the fact that they have a functional dick?

Also, I have to point this out. In the message-me-if portion of my profile on OkCupid, I say "if you know the difference between "your" and you're..." So, his message actually read "I'm driving through "your" area this afternoon, and since "you're" smoking hott, I though I'd see if you want to have a random hookup?"

So, he felt the need to point out his basic concept of grammar while also failing to realize that hot only has one "t" and he should have said *thought instead of "though." Good going there, buddy. If you use condoms like you use grammar, you're a walking infestation. --jenniy

And then Shawn, the good looking guy who quoted "Silence of the Lambs" as his headline in this post from yesterday, sent me this charming first message.  This annoys the fuck out of me.  There.  I said it.  I'm lucky enough that most dating sites don't allow people to send pics in their messages. But on my list of "Irritating First Messages" it would win second place right after THIS QUESTION and let's not even talk about those people who send creepy, close up shots of their genitals.

I don't get it.  I really, really don't.

I didn't respond.  Shawn/Buffalo Bill deleted his profile within 15 minutes.

Well, that escalated rather quickly... And what the fuck? This guy totally misses out on the fact that he's messaging a woman. I mean, really... I know I said that there's more to a lady than her clitoris, but goddamn, why would you skip over all the lady parts entirely? SEX IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU, GUYS!!! --jenniy

If not, can you refund my time? No? I didn't think so. And with a username like "callmetrypod" I think I'll fucking pass, dipshit. --jenniy