Saturday, May 3, 2014
I just don't the appeal. There are so many better places than on my glasses. On top of that, given the fact that I need these things TO FUCKING SEE 5 FEET IN FRONT OF MY FACE I really don't think I want them covered in drying, sticky semen.
The next question is why is this even a remotely good idea for a first message? Hot Ash keeps having conversations that start out normally, but this is what I get right off the bat. Bam! "Hey baby I never met you but you want some of my sticky stuff somewhere on or in your body?" It's gross. I at least want to have a conversation about how much better my taste is in music than yours before we proceed to the exchange of bodily fluids, ok?
If you don't recognize the goofy face above, you should start getting familiar with it because something tells me this man is the next Michael Vick. And please...don't start in on how Michael Vick paid his debt to society because I don't want to hear it. He's a douche too.
The man pictured above is Florida State University and Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston, a man with lots of potential to be a big star and, as he showed this week and in the not-so-distant past, a huge douche.
On Tuesday of this past week, the Douche was caught shoplifting $32.72 worth of crab leg and crawfish from a Publix store. There is so much douche here I feel like I'm drowning in it.
In December of 2012, Winston was accused a rape by another FSU student. A proper investigation has never been made into the matter, though the case was closed two months after due to "lack of cooperation" by the accuser. In July of 2013, he was cited for stealing soda from a Burger King, and now these latest charges. FSU appears to have done a pretty decent and utterly shameful job of keeping him out of trouble for the rape allegations only to have to find a mediocre punishment for him as a result of his shoplifting.
FSU has suspended their star Quarterback from the BASEBALL TEAM. Yup. The baseball team.
So many thoughts here. I'm not even going to acknowledge the rape case further because I don't have to...anyone who reads the information can see it: Winston is a douche. His friends are douches. FSU is full of douches and the Tampa Police Department is full of douches. But the thing is...Winston has walked away from serious allegations only to go on and exhibit this kind of juvenile behavior and blame it on "youthful ignorance".
Mr. Winston... I can only assumed you are at FSU because they're paying for your education in exchange for your talent on the field. FSU is clearly not doing you any favors by paying for your education because clearly you're not getting any smarter. Not only did you walk away from some serious allegations and possibly an activity that ruined a young woman's chance at making something of herself at college, not to mention ruining her life, but you then flaunt your invincibility by doing something so juvenile as shoplifting. Do you know who shoplifts? Teenage girls. You've been given an opportunity of a lifetime...and you choose to be a douche and a crappy human being. You're scum and you're trash. And I say that as someone who believes you are a rapist and a thief.
While stealing some crab legs might not be the same as ruining a life, it is just further proof to me that you are not worth the investment being put into you by FSU. You deserve nothing. You were given an amazing opportunity, and instead you choose to be a creep and a rapist who gets off on acting like a punk kid, and then shrugs his shoulders and gives a real bitch-ass excuse for being a steaming pile of excrement.
Read for Yourself:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/2014/04/30/analysis-florida-state-fsu-quarterback-jameis-winston-crab-legs-shoplifting-citation/8526501/
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/04/16/jameis_winston_rape_investigation_the_new_york_times_reveals_just_how_badly.html
-- Hot Ash
Shortly after sending me this message, Chad deleted his account. I'm not sure if that means he found someone, no one was taking him seriously or he really wasn't willing to put his money where his mouth is. I'm not heartbroken...something tells me he would have spoiled me like milk anyway. - Hot Ash
Friday, May 2, 2014
I can only assume that he is asking if I want to "ride"....I think it is also safe to assume he doesn't mean a ferris wheel. Either way, the answer was a resounding "you've got to be fucking kidding me."
It started out like a normal conversation, as so many do. When he asked what I was doing this weekend and I told him I was helping a friend build a website...and then this happened. And it was cool. Just kidding. Now that I know what the local firefighters want to with their hoses, I gotta say... my fire for men in uniform has kind of been put out - Hot Ash
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Here's the thing. All my photos are from the neck up on this profile. I had never spoken to this person before. Now, I will concede that I have "hot boobs" by most definitions, but how the fuck did he know and what kind of first message is this?
We love submissions here at DoucheArt. I reached out to Down2Date because you KNOW those ladies have stories. Dame Dessa was kind enough to send us this one. Translation according to Google? I want to put in the ass.
Now, I don't speak Spanish. I don't know if this says "I want to put in the ass", or if it implies her ass... I have no idea. But...basically, he just wants to put something in someone's ass...doesn't say what, when, or how. Just wants to put in the ass. He could be talking about his ass for all we know.
The worst part? When I asked Dame Dessa if she spoke Spanish, this is what she told me, "Not really. Kindergarten level at best. I google translated the world for butt." - Hot Ash
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Just because a pirate-costumed Johnny Dep says this to me in my fantasies sometimes does not make it okay for a first message on a dating site. Argh! --j
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Remember Mike? From now on, I'm changing his name to Super Sexual Mike. This is what he wanted to know about me today! --Hot Ash
He actually started this conversation with "bet you got good pussy" to which my response was "bet you'll never find out..." This was his response. I suppose he thought he was being clever, so I politely advised that maybe if he were paying attention to his wife instead of skulking around on the internet looking for a piece of strange ass, he might actually get laid every now and then... --j
Monday, April 28, 2014
Apparently, a lot of people have librarian fantasies because this comes up a lot for me. Unless you have an autoclave at home, I think I will pass. Why would I want dried sperm stuck in the cracks around my lenses for the sake of pornographic fantasies? Put your jizz where it belongs--in a condom. -- j
Is it Douchey? Meh...maybe if you like Nickleback and having more than 2 cats. Does it make me laugh? Yes. I love Nickleback jokes and I swear I haven't liked them since their first c.d. I wonder how he would feel about the fact that I like Insane Clown Posse. -- Hot Ash
I"m sorry, but I LOVE this. I'm glad she called out her Douche. -- Hot Ash
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Durty Dan is a repeat offender. You'll likely see that name often. And no matter how many times I tell him to shove all proposed 10 inches right up his own ass, he still comes back for more. Perhaps he's the one looking to be dominated... ---j
I don't know, Dre. If I was wearing stilettos, would you let me crush your balls with them? --j
You can often find me trolling around on Craigslist reading all of the wonderful posts. My FAVORITE posts are Missed Connections. I once played a joke on my ex using Craigslist Missed Connections and wrote about it on my blog.
But this guy...this guy is posting in Strictly Platonic, offering massages that are not "spa type massages" and are for relaxation, menstrual pains, breast pains, or "just for your enjoyment". What the hell do you suppose he thinks a spa type massage is? And to be honest, if rubbing my boobs made them feel better when they hurt, I might actually DO my self-breast exams more willing...just saying.
And every time I read this, in my head I head Austin Powers offering a "sensual massage". Maybe they're related?
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