DoucheArt

Sometimes in life you have to stop and consider whether or not you are the problem in a situation.  This week, someone tried to make us the Douche of The Week… at least I felt like it.  The question “why are we on these sites, and why do we keep subjecting ourselves to these messages if we find them to be so awful?” was raised.  The accusation that DoucheArt is making a negative out of a negative, that we are ridiculing random people with poor social skills and lower than average I.Q's was made.   It has been said that we know nothing about human depravity by someone who has claimed to “have full on read every nuance of evil that humans will subject each other to”.   And we were asked to account for ourselves…what is our goal?  What progress or difference are we making to feminism, to the world, to ANYONE?   And I had to ask myself…are WE the Douches for being the DoucheArt Duo?

The fact of the matter is… online dating sites are a form of social media specifically targeting people with a common goal or need: meeting people who are also looking for a relationship.  Most of these sites allow you to be specific about what you’re looking to meet.  That being said, being on such a site with the intention of expanding your social circle or meeting someone from a different lifestyle whether you’re looking for a relationship or a casual hookup does not mean that people should be subjected to what would be considered harassment, sexual harassment, illegal indecent exposure, or sexual assault in the real world.  

Exposing yourself in public is illegal, why do people feel it is OK to expose themselves to another person in such a way on the Internet instead of a traditional greeting and introduction?  Much like there is no justification for rape, there is no justification as to why I should be informed of every little detail of the sex acts a stranger wants to perform on my body in some creepy little head fantasy after seeing my photos, or be sent unsolicited photos of another person’s genitals simply because I use the Internet to look outside my usual social circle to meet someone.

So why do I keep subjecting myself to these messages?  Because I refuse to believe that only creeps or people with poor social skills and lower than average IQ’s sign up for online dating sites.  I also believe that there are good people to be found whether they are looking for a casual hookup or a long term relationship.  Online dating allows users to specify what they’re looking for from a larger selection of people unlike traditional means of meeting people.  I signed up to meet people with similar interests who are also interested in meeting people with similar interests…I fail to see how an online dating website could be considered an environment where I should expect to receive inappropriate messages.  Yes, there are creeps on the Internet and they will be encountered from time to time, but when does something like receiving such disgusting, predatory messages become more than just a gross example of the way some man feels it is appropriate to talk to women and a sign that our society is a little sick when so many people feel it is OK to behave like this?

I don’t believe we are making a negative out of a negative.  Being subjected to unwanted, inappropriate sexual advances or messages intended to make a person feel embarrassment is abuse, pure and simple.  No one should ever feel preyed upon or victimized for merely being online and the Internet should not be considered an acceptable place for predatory behaviors. 

Are we ridiculing people?  Hell Yes.  Someone very important to me once told me that laughter is powerful, can be the best medicine and could change the world…that taking things too seriously can sometimes be the problem.  The example he gave was Hitler.  What if people had laughed at Hitler?  What if no one had taken him seriously?   (And let’s not get caught up on the example…I’m not comparing this to World War II.)   That's why I stand by this project and what we’re doing on the DoucheArt blog.  

In abusive relationships, many times the abuse is allowed to continue because nobody knows.  As a general rule, abusers do not want people to know about their behavior and the cycle of abuse is perpetuated by secrecy and shame.   What people, primarily women, experience on the Internet and many times in their real lives almost daily whether it is Facebook, Twitter or an online dating site IS abuse.   A man who sends an initial message to a woman expressing his desire to ejaculate on her face or describe the things he wants to do to her body isn't looking to respect or value her much like man who sends an unsolicited photo of his penis is not trying to empower women.  

If you think this is respectful or appropriate to send this to a woman, ask yourself... "If my mom, my little sister, or my daughter were on an online dating site... would I want them to receive a message like this from a man they don't know?"

Perhaps exposing the abuses and such behaviors as the kind we've personally experienced online as well as the experiences of people who share their experiences seems petty, but as someone on the receiving end of such messages I’d rather ridicule it than jump on the Rape Culture wagon and hide it, feel ashamed and wonder what it is about me that makes someone talk to me like that instead of with respect.  In a situation where someone I don’t know is making inappropriate comments about my body, I should not be expected to sweep it under the rug or hide it.  In this instance, by remaining silent we imply our consent to be talked to in such a way.  When we silently delete the messages and block the users, we only really stop one person from sending a message to us when perhaps we should all strive to ridicule such behaviors.  

This “petty ridicule” is exposing certain behaviors which we find unacceptable to the light and publicly acknowledging that this behavior is not something we're going to be ashamed of in private, that inviting yourself to essentially assault us in our own homes via the Internet is UNACCEPTABLE.  That is the point…that you can be called out on your behaviors.  That saying gross things to women who are not interested isn’t funny and we’re not impressed.  If ridiculing that kind of behavior shows someone “Hey, when you act like this or when you say these things…. You look like a chump and people don’t appreciate it” then we’re doing something.  

Could we be tackling bigger issues?  Should we be acknowledging other acts of human depravity?  To that I will say this… an issue like sexual assault perhaps doesn't seem like a big deal to someone who has never been a victim of such a thing.  Perhaps to some people, especially men who have never experienced being victimized, dirty messages on a dating site seem small.  But one dirty message is never ONE dirty message when you've been bombarded with catcalls and unwanted attempts at sexual contact or advances since your breasts began developing.  This isn't a reaction to one or two inappropriate weirdos...this is a reaction to day after day, week after week, year after year of living in a society that allows people to behave in predatory ways by demanding that someone "just ignore" a situation.  To be told by someone to read a book about acts of evil and human depravity when you have sat next to evil, hugged it before you saw the wolf in sheep’s clothing, had one or countless acts of such a nature acted upon you is beyond insulting; To be told to read a book to understand the true depths of human depravity when you've been RAPED is infuriating, demeaning, disgusting and one of the most ignorant things I've ever heard not to mention downright cruel.

This isn't about feminism for me.  I post gross messages that have been sent to men, and messages from women to other women.  Unfortunately, the kind of virtual harassment and assault we see is more often committed by men than women and as such perhaps this site comes off as being yet another place on the Internet where women bash and ridicule men.  This isn’t about gender, orientation, race, age, gender…this is about Respect.  This is about socially appropriate interactions on the Internet.  We’re not here to bash men.  We’re not here to judge people who might be looking for a casual hookup.  We’re not here saying we don’t like it when people talk dirty to us.  

What we’re here saying is… don’t use your words to virtually assault someone, don’t say something to someone as a means of an introduction that you wouldn't say to them in person, don’t literally expose yourself to someone who is not interested in seeing your genitals because it is just as much an assault as it would be if you were standing in front of them in a public place.  It doesn't matter what anyone says they are looking for on their profile whether it is just friends, casual hookup or long term relationship… introduce yourself like a person, don’t mind-rape them and tell them the details in a message they opened expecting a pleasant introduction.  We’re not saying people shouldn't take to the Internet to look for what they want no matter what it is…we’re saying, figure out if the person you message wants the same things as you do or is open to that kind of message BEFORE you send it.  

My goal is agreeing to be a part of DoucheArt was to bring messages like those we post to the light.  To show people who don’t know that people, mostly women, get these kinds of messages EVERY DAY, sometimes multiple times a day simply for being online.  Our goal is to share our experiences and encourage others not to be ashamed by the pervy, predatory propositions but instead take those unsolicited sexts, juvenile attempts at talking dirty, and aggressive sexual advances post them on pretty pictures, and share them on the Internet so we can all laugh at the inappropriate ways online creepers try to get lucky.  If you don't take something too seriously, it doesn't have power. 

We’re straight women;  Perhaps DoucheArt fails in that it comes off as being more about the online experience of women dealing with straight men than being about the experience of ANYONE who experiences douchiness on the Internet.  Perhaps the fact that our site may seem exclusionary to some is also failure on our part, but I can’t write from the perspective of anyone else in any other situation.  We do rely heavily on the submissions and experiences of others.  Unfortunately, we cannot be responsible for the fact that messages of these types usually come from men.  That isn’t a problem DoucheArt caused, it is a problem we’re trying to expose and what better place to do it than on the Internet where this is occurring?

If signing up on an online dating site with the expectation to meet another like-minded person with some of the same interests makes me a douche, then so be it.  

If refusing to believe that only people with poor social skills and low I.Qs have a problem meeting other adults in their area with the same goals and interests makes me a douche, then I guess I am. 

If my refusal to write off yet another one of these messages as being “just another uneducated creep” and ignore it and allow the cycle of abuse to continue by implying that I am OK with such behavior instead of acknowledging it on a public site makes me a douche, well OK then. 

If choosing to acknowledge something I feel should be acknowledged, especially if I've experienced it, instead of any of the other acts of human depravity without belittling the people who have been victims to those acts like people have belittled our experiences with sexual assault, then at least I’m not the kind of douche who re-victimizes people by minimizing what may have been the most traumatic experience of their life.  

If attempting to tackle a problem by showing the inappropriateness and ridiculousness of it, ridiculing it, by attempting to give poor behavior some kind of social consequence or backlash instead of writing it off as "someone who doesn't know better" and by choosing laughter instead of feeling ashamed, victimized, assaulted or preyed upon makes me a douche, then at least I’m a douche that is laughing because I know I deserve better and other women deserve the same and at least I'm trying to educate someone. 

If my choice to expose people who send messages like this to women who are mothers, sisters, nieces, daughters, granddaughter, aunts, wives, friends so that those women can see that they aren't alone and so that the men in our lives can see what we experience or show a man who thinks it’s OK to talk to women like this just how unappreciated and inappropriate it is in a way that isn't yet another bra-burning makes me a douche….then I am a Douche Queen.